Sunday, November 14, 2010

The 15 Sexiest Father Figures of All Time

Check out these sexy father types and choose one for your own unmet childhood needs and current day crises. Hell, choose a couple (you know, different dads for different meltdowns).

May they love you deeply, guide you firmly, and look smoking hot all the while.

1. Atticus Finch:

Daddy personified, I'd like to forcibly remove Scout out of this porch scene and replace her with a 43-year old me.

2. Pa Ingalls

Apparently Michael Landon was a bit of a grouchy hard-ass in person but on LHOP (you know what show I’m talking about), he was the all-knowing and all-understanding Pa Ingalls with plain, good old fashioned advice meant to keep you on the straight and narrow.

3. Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ:

He understands. And he's got really warm hands.

4. Max Von Sydow

Picture says it all.

5. Donald Sutherland:

I've been crushing on Donald Sutherland since I was a kid. Once in New York City, a woman walked by Ruby and I, wearing a t-shirt that simply read "Donald Sutherland." Who wears a shirt with just an actor's name in iron-on felt letters on it?

We found this strange but somehow, since it was Donald Sutherland, we understood.

6. Gandolph

Magical dads with long beards are sexy and cool.

7. My old boyfriend Richard Lee

8. Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights:

9. William Faulkner

That wacky dad that you always secretly craved.

10. Nat King Cole

Just the name screams sexy dad type. The voice and kind, easy-going demeanor add to overall paternal bliss.

11. Darth Vadar:

If you're in the market for an all-around scary bad-ass of a dad. Nobody will be beating you up at school, that's for sure.

12. Tommy Lee Jones

Stern but fair. Loud but loving.

13. My Dad (of course)

14. The song "Father Figure":

Thanks to following Open Salon and Facebook folks for contributions and suggestions:

Ruby Lawrence, Sandy Schulman, Ralph Riggliadez, Angela Freeman Tiene, Anthony Revelas, Erin Cutili, Karen Reb Rudel,Douglas Mann, Sir Steve Blevins, Bobby Jean Gallagher, Scottie Chapman, Connie Mack, Cherie Siebert, Janet Scheffler, Sheila Smigel and Odette Roulette.

And Odette Roulette, this bonus father figure is for you, a longtime proponent of the sexiness that was Hugh Beaumont:

Hello, Odette. I'm Hugh Beaumont, your fictional father. Now go to your room.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Men you Forgot were Hot

The scientists at Silly Lists of Nothingness have been plugging tirelessly away at yet another ridiculous list for your review. This week, Dr. Ruby Lawrence and Dr. Beth Mann spent nearly two hours in the lab, dissecting photographs of hot men in the name of science.

Now, we're not talking about your garden variety Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise. This list include hotties you may forgotten - overlooked hotties, if you will - as well as historical hotties you didn't know existed in the first place.

Young Chris Walken - interplanetary hottie.

The late, great and undeniably hot Cleavon Little.

Harry Houdini - magical hottie.

Jesse James - young, punk-ass hottie.

Kevin Kline - classic hottie.

Lord Byron - poetic hottie.

Kirk Douglas (Dr. Lawrence made me put him on the list).

Robert Powell as Jesus - this man still looks smokin':

Nathan Hale -rocking it in bronze.

John Larroquette - a cozy hottie.

Chuck Woolery...just because.

Frank Langella, maybe not the best Dracula, but the hottest.

Larry Hagman, the early days - steely-eyed hottie.

Franz Schubert, pre-pudge.

Malcolm X - with a name like that, you kinda have to be a hot.

Oscar Wilde...he definitely had it all going.

"It is better to be beautiful than to be good.
But... it is better to be good than to be ugly."

Yul's the power eyebrows.

John Cassavetes - old-school New York style hottie.

Louis XIV - pre-syphilis, sporting an early heavy metal look...literally.

Telly Savalas, sans lollipop.

Tyrone Power, later years...classy and okay wearing pretty scarf.

Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill - monetary hottie.

Donald make-believe dad.

Malcolm McDowell....oh sigh.

(Above, one of the sexiest pictures ever taken of an actor, in Dr. Mann's opinion.)

Shhh...we're busy in our black and white laboratory,
trying to concentrate.