Oh yes, baby…yes!!
These acts seem like a good idea at the time. Until someone loses an eye. Not so sexy anymore, is it? So think twice and think hard before you attempt the following:
1. Sex on the Beach
Sure it looks great in the movie but in real life, sand enters crevices you didn’t know existed. Temperatures vary. Mosquitoes bite. God invented beds for a reason. Even the cocktail named after it sucks.
2. Sex in Watery PlacesTaking a shower with your lover should be sexy but there’s a constant power play going on. Who stands under the showerhead and for how long? Then there’s that awkward changing of positions.
Or how about hot tubs with chemicals and lord-knows-what swirling in and out of you? Natural lubrication is washed away, making it not always the most comfortable experience (just being honest).
3. Porn Style SexPorn sex is the extreme sport of sexual acts. Lots of head tosses, loud moans, frenzied flesh pounding. Getting banged hard and repeatedly has its perks, don’t get me wrong, but women lose sensation from too much slamming. (Men take note.)It also feels like more of a performance than a sexual act. Like you should hear sideline cheers or the clang of a ringside bell when you’re done.
4. One Night StandsOkay, I’m not throwing out the baby with the disgusting hot tub water. The occasional one-night stand can be just what the doctor ordered. But usually there’s too much drinking involved and the high probability that you’re going home with someone who will seem quite different when the morning light and boozy spell of delusion has worn off.
5. OrgiesOrgies are a little too diplomatic. You can’t just say, “Get your damn hands off me, dude. But you over there, come to mama.” There can be hurt feelings, big bellies and overall 70’s pervy weirdness.
Besides who holds orgies anymore? Didn’t they fall out of vogue when Rome collapsed?”
6. Sex Involving FoodSome guy blindfolded me once and poured hot fudge all over me. It got all over my new sheets and blankets. I could’ve killed him. (Now had he fed me a hot fudge sundae prior to sex, that would have been hot. Pillows covered in chocolate? Not so hot.)
7. Drug Addled SexDrugs make you feel like the Superman of sex. Unfortunately they can also be your kryptonite. Trying to have an orgasm on drugs is like a mirage in a desert. You keep reaching for it. You want it soooo bad, but…you…just…can’t…get…it.
8. Sex in Tight Quarters
This would include cars, bathroom stalls and coffins. Ultimately sex needs a little breathing room. And cars can have stick shifts—you can only imagine the dangers there.
9. Sex with a Really Hot PersonHot people are notoriously lazy in bed. Just ask Nicolai in Paris, who had everybody’s head turning. I was so excited when we finally were in bed together but he soon assumed this corpse-like position, as if to say, (in a French accent, of course) “You are lucky to have me. Now do what you may. I am sleepy. I am pretty.’”
10. Sex involving Clothes RippingEvery once in a while, the caveman routine works. But most of the time, I think, “Ass, you just ripped my good shirt. Ass.”
11. Sex Involving CamerasTwo words: the Internet.
12. Sex on a WaterbedA little dated at this point, but man, what a design backfire. The whole raison d’etre behind a waterbed was hot sex yet it eluded you at every awkward oceanic turn.
13. Tantric SexThis is when white people do a lot of hair stroking and face-cupping. And scented candles. No thanks.
One guy I was with prided himself on never coming. He called it a circular orgasm or something ridiculous. Cut to 4 am when I finally said, “Hey there, remember me? There’s a person underneath you who needs some sleep.”
14. Sex with a Large MemberYes, size does count but the all-female jury (or the four friends I polled) declared that width counts more. A really large penis limits positions (“Ouch, that hurts. Not that way!”) And bladder infections are never sexy.
15. Sex with a Rock StarWell, first there's the height factor. It’s a well-known fact that rock stars are 5 feet tall, tops. There’s also the ego element (see Sex with a Hot Person). Interestingly, rock stars are fantastic masturbators due to their extreme self-involvement. You can leave the room in the middle of it all, make yourself a sandwich, watch TV. Good chance you won’t be missed.
16. Sex with the Legal but YoungYoung guys can be pretty clueless…but you know what? So can many of their more “mature” counterparts. It all comes down to tuning into someone. “Getting it on” instead of one person “getting off”. If you can do that, age doesn’t matter. And if you can’t, then getting older probably won’t help.