Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The 16 Most Overrated Sex Acts of All Time


Oh yes, baby…yes!! 

These acts seem like a good idea at the time. Until someone loses an eye. Not so sexy anymore, is it? So think twice and think hard before you attempt the following:
1. Sex on the Beach

Sure it looks great in the movie but in real life, sand enters crevices you didn’t know existed. Temperatures vary. Mosquitoes bite. God invented beds for a reason. Even the cocktail named after it sucks.

2. Sex in Watery Places

Taking a shower with your lover should be sexy but there’s a constant power play going on. Who stands under the showerhead and for how long? Then there’s that awkward changing of positions.

Or how about hot tubs with chemicals and lord-knows-what swirling in and out of you? Natural lubrication is washed away, making it not always the most comfortable experience (just being honest).

3. Porn Style Sex
Porn sex is the extreme sport of sexual acts. Lots of head tosses, loud moans, frenzied flesh pounding. Getting banged hard and repeatedly has its perks, don’t get me wrong, but women lose sensation from too much slamming. (Men take note.)

It also feels like more of a performance than a sexual act. Like you should hear sideline cheers or the clang of a ringside bell when you’re done.

4. One Night Stands
Okay, I’m not throwing out the baby with the disgusting hot tub water. The occasional one-night stand can be just what the doctor ordered. But usually there’s too much drinking involved and the high probability that you’re going home with someone who will seem quite different when the morning light and boozy spell of delusion has worn off.

5. Orgies
Orgies are a little too diplomatic. You can’t just say, “Get your damn hands off me, dude. But you over there, come to mama.” There can be hurt feelings, big bellies and overall 70’s pervy weirdness.

Besides who holds orgies anymore? Didn’t they fall out of vogue when Rome collapsed?”

6. Sex Involving Food
Some guy blindfolded me once and poured hot fudge all over me. It got all over my new sheets and blankets. I could’ve killed him. (Now had he fed me a hot fudge sundae prior to sex, that would have been hot. Pillows covered in chocolate? Not so hot.) 

7. Drug Addled Sex

Drugs make you feel like the Superman of sex. Unfortunately they can also be your kryptonite. Trying to have an orgasm on drugs is like a mirage in a desert. You keep reaching for it. You want it soooo bad, but…you…just…can’t…get…it.

8. Sex in Tight Quarters

This would include cars, bathroom stalls and coffins. Ultimately sex needs a little breathing room. And cars can have stick shifts—you can only imagine the dangers there.

9. Sex with a Really Hot Person
Hot people are notoriously lazy in bed. Just ask Nicolai in Paris, who had everybody’s head turning. I was so excited when we finally were in bed together but he soon assumed this corpse-like position, as if to say, (in a French accent, of course) “You are lucky to have me. Now do what you may. I am sleepy. I am pretty.’”

10. Sex involving Clothes Ripping

Every once in a while, the caveman routine works. But most of the time, I think, “Ass, you just ripped my good shirt. Ass.”

11. Sex Involving Cameras
Two words: the Internet.

12. Sex on a Waterbed
A little dated at this point, but man, what a design backfire. The whole raison d’etre behind a waterbed was hot sex yet it eluded you at every awkward oceanic turn.

13. Tantric Sex
This is when white people do a lot of hair stroking and face-cupping. And scented candles. No thanks.

One guy I was with prided himself on never coming. He called it a circular orgasm or something ridiculous. Cut to 4 am when I finally said, “Hey there, remember me? There’s a person underneath you who needs some sleep.”

14. Sex with a Large Member
Yes, size does count but the all-female jury (or the four friends I polled) declared that width counts more. A really large penis limits positions (“Ouch, that hurts. Not that way!”) And bladder infections are never sexy.

15. Sex with a Rock Star
Well, first there's the height factor. It’s a well-known fact that rock stars are 5 feet tall, tops. There’s also the ego element (see Sex with a Hot Person). Interestingly, rock stars are fantastic masturbators due to their extreme self-involvement. You can leave the room in the middle of it all, make yourself a sandwich, watch TV. Good chance you won’t be missed.

16. Sex with the Legal but Young
Young guys can be pretty clueless…but you know what? So can many of their more “mature” counterparts. It all comes down to tuning into someone. “Getting it on” instead of one person “getting off”. If you can do that, age doesn’t matter. And if you can’t, then getting older probably won’t help.

Monday, February 16, 2009

The 7 Things I'm Not Addicted To

My friend Dea says she has an addictive personality and I smile slightly. Because she doesn’t. Only people with real addictive personalities know that wild, sick, consumptive burn that emanates from some fiery pit in your soul and wants to eat your charred skin for dinner.
Addictions are born from the balls of the devil. Addictions make you want to carve the word "Defile!" on your forehead with a rusty blade, while your mom is forced to watch, helplessly.

Addiction is not a word to bandy about. You either have one or you don’t. No grey area. And there are no cute addictions. You’re not addicted to your puppy or your sweet spouse of 25 years or the great outdoors.

Dea says that’s not true! She's hooked on coffee. I giggle and she is annoyed. Hooked on coffee…how quaint. Try being high on a pile of coke, smoking your 50th cigarette at 4 am, drinking straight vodka with a twist of lemon (for Vitamin C, of course) and wanting to fuck an inanimate object just because you can.

Hooked on coffee…silly girl. So with my addictive personality, I decided to focus on the positive. What am I not addicted to?

Gambling: Nope. Nothing there. A real flat line. Don’t get it. Don’t get how people would be hooked on gambling. I understand it conceptually…just don’t have that streak. Yay for me!

Ice Cream: I hear stories where people in profound emotional distress resort to Ben and Jerry’s as a way to escape. That’s a cute one too. That’s a cute little addiction for babies and puppies. I don’t care about ice cream. I care about escaping my constantly chattering brain voices with non-dairy items like horse tranquilizers.

Heroin: Shew! Thank goodness I missed that gravy train, huh? As a matter of fact, I think it’s the only drug I haven’t tried. I’ve tried GHB, ketamine, peyote, mushrooms, acid and some “boutique” marijuana called Purple Kush. But no junk in my trunk. Yay for me!

Work: Nope, not a problem. No workaholism coursing through these veins. I work for a bit until my 21-year-old friend comes over and says, “Hey, wannna smoke out and go surfing?” Next thing I know, a whole day went by and I’ve completed an hour’s worth of work but a day’s worth of solid surfing. Yay for me!

Phonics: I’m not hooked on phonics. I like phonics. But I’m not hooked on phonics. Actually, I don’t even know what phonics be. Yay!

Religion: Not hooked on God. I try to parlay my ragingly addictive personality into something positively spiritual but alas, God is dead and I stand alone, sipping my wine, staring off into the sunset wondering if I could bum a cigarette from the guy in the car who's looking at the sunset too.
Love: Might as well face it, I’m not addicted to love. I love love but I’m not hooked on love. I prefer rampant codendency, unavailable men and a constant longing that makes your insides rotate and twist on a daily basis. I choose basking in the glory of abandonment issues that keep you constantly wanting something you’ll never have. Love, shmove! Gimme some of that good ol’ fashioned emotional unavailability anyday! Yay for lovelessness!
But seriously folks, I’ve come a long way, baby. My addictions have died down as the years have passed. They softened and settled. I play with my addictive personality now like an old, trouble-making friend. I’ve even named her. My addictive personality is named Sally. Sally Feed the Hole (sort of has a Native American feel, no?)

Sally, say good night to the people:

“Night, night.”

See? She’s not so bad. She just wants a little attention every once in a while.