Thursday, December 10, 2009

Strange Expressions that make you go WTF?


Our latest installation includes perplexing phrases that never really made sense. Sure, they probably stem from the Middle Ages or whatever but the point is, we're still baffled.

(And no, we don't want any explanations, thank you. We prefer to remain in the dark, an expression we do understand.)

Eat your heart out.
(A little over the top in the gorey department, wouldn't you say?)

You can call me anything but don't call me late for dinner.
(I've been mulling over this one for decades - still drawing a blank.)

Revenge is a dish best served cold.
(But it's not a dish. It's revenge. It's not meatloaf.)

Shiver me timbers.
(Confounding on several levels.)

Let's bury the hatchet.
(Where? And why has an argument gotten so bad that hatchets are involved?)

That sets my teeth on edge.
(Humanly impossible. And just strange.)

Losing my religion.
(The only decent REM song, at least.)

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
(What? What bird? What hand? What bush? Why?)

He bought the farm and other expressions about dying.
(These include "Kicking the bucket" and "Biting the dust." All pretty weird.)

Go fly a kite.
(I guess this is a lite version of "Go f&%k yourself.")

Tripping the light fantastic.
(One of my favorite expressions! It sounds magical. But I have no clue what it means.)

I'll show you what for.
(Please do.)

By the skin of my teeth.
(Perplexing...and a little gross.)

Living high on the hog.
(Sure, I've experimented with my share of drugs but...)

Snug as a bug in a rug.

Keep your nose clean.
(I can see this expression working with dogs, perhaps. Or coke addicts.)

I have a bone to pick with you.
(What are we, vultures?)

Happy as a clam.
(Though actually, I'm not one to debate the contentment level of a mollusk so who knows? Do they not laugh in their own special way? Do they not feel pain?)

Warms the cockles of my heart.
(There's the aorta, ventricles, an atrium or cockles. No warmed cockles.)

You can't have your cake and eat it too.
(Why not? Stop with the head games, already! It's cake.)

I'll be a monkey's uncle.
(Um...I don't...but why?)

Ollie, ollie oxen free.
(Well, I'm glad the oxen are free, at least.)

Sunday, November 15, 2009

18 Things that are Wonderfully Awful

You love it, you hate it. You love it and hate it at the same moment.

1. Arugula
2. Cough Syrup
3. Pain
4. Funions
5. The Truth
6. Public Access Television
7. Cigarettes
8. Watching Someone Slip & Fall
9. Being Tickled
10. Bill Clinton
11. Scotch
12. Lifetime Movie "Events"
13. Splinter Removal

14. Wasabi
15. Gyn Exams

Some Open Salon Additions:

16. Listerine (thanks Meander61)
17. Itches and Accompanying Scratch (Ms. Lea Lane)
18. Kids (by 1_Irritated_Mother)

List compiled by Dr. Beth Mann and Dame Ruby Lawrence

Saturday, October 31, 2009

The Sexiest Men in Rock & Roll - A Scientific Study

This is how you do it.

Some think sexiness is in the eye of the beholder. But is it? Here at Silly Lists of Nothingness, we say its an exacting science that can be proved in labs with women in white coats using complex formulas that are beyond you, so don't worry pretty little head.

This isn't a case of "I think he's hot" as much as this guy is definitely hot - like, scientifically. These guys work it and they own it. We also threw in a few hot rock stars that are non-traditionally sexy but radiate that sexy vibe, which means there's hope for us all.

Here's the criteria which lead us to our findings:
  • They ooze sexiness. They know they're sexy and show it off. They're cocky, sometimes literally, as you'll soon see.
  • They look good in tight pants.
  • They look good in tight pants.

The Top Ten Hottest Men in Rock

1. Jim Morrison

Topping our list is the Lizard King himself. Jim Morrison stands heads and shoulders above the rest, according to our esteemed panel. In fact, he sets the standard for the rest of the list. The man oozes sexiness, from his leather pants to his pouty lips. He even passes out on stage sexy. Not everyone can pull that off.

2. Sting (The Early Days)

Young Sting was a HOTTIE. Tantric sex Sting of today is a little too rich and self-involved, not like the lean and hungry Sting of yesteryear. Just the video for "Don't Stand so Close to Me" alone created lifelong English teacher fantasies for women worldwide.

3. Jared Leto
Big ego, maybe...but I'm smoking. Just try to deny me."

4. Michael Hutchence of INXS

"I'm feeling cocky....can't you tell?"

5. Rod Stewart (Early Days)

"I plan on fucking a lot. I mean, a lot, a lot."

6. Trent Reznor

7. Mick Jagger

"Please...this list was invented for me."

8. Robert Plant

Eat this, Jagger.

9. Elvis Presley

"Easy, boys. I clearly started the whole thing."

10. Billy Squier

My kinda lover.
11. Freddie Mercury

 "I'm non-traditionally sexy but I got "it" in spades."

12. Chris Cornell

"I don't know why I'm here."

Well, Cornell wasn't going to make the list but as our team of esteemed scientists reviewed more photos, it was decided amongst our team that he would "not be thrown out of bed for eating crackers" as Dr. Lanci put it.

13. Prince

"Bitch please. I should be number one."

David Lee Roth

Okay maybe its the chaps...but still.

The People You'll Say Should Have Made the List and Why They Didn't

1. David Bowie - While he is elegant, stylish and charming, he isn't sexy per se. He's got a little bit of an alien element to him as well which isn't sexy, at least on this planet.

2. Jon Bon Jovi - First off, we did say "rock." And Jon Bon Jovi is good-looking - no doubt. But not sexy. He's kinda cookie cutter good-looking, like a Ken doll.

3. Jeff Buckley - He's a little too poetic and sad to be "rock out with his cock out," as Dr. Lawrence so aptly put it.

4. Kurt Cobain - Raw beauty indeed - but too damaged to be sexy.

5. Skidrow's Sebastian Bach - A little too pretty for his own good.

6. Chris Isaak - Good-looking in a 50's sort of way, but not sexy.

7. Bruce Springsteen - Earthy, gritty...but not sexy. (Though the album cover with his ass on it is a step in the right direction.)

8. Steven Tyler - Sequestered to this list due to poor online imagery.

"This isn't fair."

Thanks to my esteemed colleagues, Dr. Beth Mann, Dr. Ruby Lawrence and Dr. April Lanci-Leseur, whose level of professionalism is remarkable and most importantly, scientific:

"Leave the science to us."

(And Candy, you're always number one on my list.)

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Famous Fights that Never Happened - Sinatra versus Cash

The Rules:
1. Two celebrities face-off in an imaginary fight.
2. Both are in their prime.
3. No weapons can be used.

Let's start the match, shall we?

In this corner, standing at 5'8, is Frank Sinatra.

Points in Sinatra's Favor:

  • Sinatra was expelled from high school at 15 for rowdiness.
  • His father, Martin, was an illiterate former prizefighter and fireman.
  • Frank's dying words were "I'm losing" implying that even death was a fight to him.
  • Sinatra has a highly unpredictable temper. According to one source:
"Though his temper was excessive, Sinatra was known for going from extremely angry to somewhat amused in a matter of seconds. In one incident he dumped hot coffee on a casino manager named Carl Cohen, who had somehow gotten on the singer's wrong side. Cohen responded by punching Sinatra in the face, knocking out his front teeth. Sinatra than concluded, as he later told a friend, "never fight a Jew in the desert."

"For all of his life Sinatra had a very unpredictable temper, often screaming at reporters and getting in fights. In one particularly violent tantrum he ripped a phone out of the wall of his hotel room, broke the windows, and then set it on fire."
  • Sinatra had endurance:
"Dean and Sammy, they couldn't hang," says Hank Cattaneo, Sinatra's concert production manager for the past 20 years. "They weren't in shape for it. After a half-hour, Dean would say, 'I gotta go to bed,' and then Sammy would say, 'Please, let me go too.' But the old man loved to hang, loved to talk and tell stories."
  • Sinatra's favorite passion was prizefighting and was a "close friend" of Tami Mauriello, a heavyweight contender in 1943.
  • A series of recent brawling incidents had been widely covered in the media on the night in 1957 when Sinatra and some of his Rat Pack pals dropped in on the act of insult comedian Don Rickles at a Hollywood club. Rickles, who spared no one during his act, immediately ad libbed: "Here's Frank Sinatra. Make yourself at home, Frank. Hit somebody." After an awed silence, broken only by a few titters on the floor, Sinatra laughed with gusto and the tension was broken.
  • The Mob Connection - if Sinatra didn't win the fight, Cash would be swimming with the fishes. You don't disrespect Sinatra by kicking his ass.
Points working against Sinatra:
  • He's a crooner and crooners just don't seem tough.
  • He's dead, which makes fighting a challenge these days. 

In this corner, standing at 6'2 is Johnny Cash:

Points working in Cash's Favor:

  • Cash may be a little cold-blooded with lyrics like:
    "I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die."
  • Johnny had hard times in his blood: "Johnny Cash was born in rural south-central Arkansas, on February 26, 1932." Ouch. That's got to hurt.
  • Cash was of Scottish descent and Scots can be badasses sometimes.
  • Cash was Southern and Southern people like to kick ass.
  • Cash was high and high people are unpredictable with drug-induced superhuman strength:
"As his career was taking off in the early 1960s, Cash started drinking heavily and became addicted to amphetamines and barbiturates. For a brief time, he shared an apartment in Nashville with Waylon Jennings, who was heavily addicted to amphetamines. Cash used the uppers to stay awake during tours. Friends joked about his and erratic behavior, many ignoring the warning signs of his worsening drug addiction. In a behind-the-scenes look at The Johnny Cash Show, Cash claims to have "tried every drug there was to try."
  • Cash often said fuck you to the man:
    "In June 1965, his truck caught fire due to an overheated wheel bearing, triggering a forest fire that burned several hundred acres in Los Padres National Forest in California. When the judge asked Cash why he did it, Cash said, "I didn't do it, my truck did, and it's dead, so you can't question it." The fire destroyed 508 acres, burning the foliage off three mountains and killing 49 of the refuge's 53 endangered condors. Cash was unrepentant: "I don't care about your damn yellow buzzards."
    • During a live performance of Kris Kristofferson's "Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down", Cash refused to change the lyrics to suit network executives, singing the song with its references to marijuana intact: "On a Sunday morning sidewalk / I'm wishin', Lord, that I was stoned."
    Points working against Cash:
    • He's a Pisces and Pisces can be real wusses.
    • He too is dead, which makes fights more of a challenge.
    • He posed like he did time in the slammer but he didn't really.
    "Although Cash carefully cultivated a romantic outlaw image, he never served a prison sentence. Despite landing in jail seven times for misdemeanors, each stay lasted only a single night."

    And the winner is?

    We believe from extensive research that whilst Cash was bigger and a badass in his own right, Sinatra is ruthless and soulless with brawling in his blood. We also believe that even though no weapons are to be used, Frank would disregard this rule and slice Cash before he knew what hit him.

    Tune in next week when our Celebrity Fist Fight includes:

    Steve Perry and Kate Bush

    Thanks to Ms. Ruby Lawrence for her contributions.

    Wednesday, September 2, 2009

    24 People Who Look Like they Sound

    This week's Silly List of Nothingness is composed of people (and some non-people) who look like they're supposed to. They were named correctly. You look at them and say, "Yep, that sounds about right."
    Contributions by Ms. Ruby Lawrence.

    1. Bob Seger

    2. Margaret Thatcher

    3. Abraham Lincoln (Because, well...what else would you call him?)
    4. Vlad the Impaler - a practical name that says what it does. Clever! Jack the Ripper, Conan the Barbarian and Ivan the Terrible, hats off to you!

    5. Julius Caeser - a heavyweight name for a heavyweight guy. The name says, "I'm not messing around. I'm Julius Caesar damnit."

    6. Monkeys


     7. Barbra Streisand (of course she spells Barbara differently. Of course. Diva.)

     8. Liverwurst (aka "braunschweiger")

    9. Maggots - when "worms" doesn't quite cut it.


    10. Gerard Depardieu


    11. The Hell's Angels (Fuzzy Love Bunnies on Wheels was their second choice.)

    12. Doris Day - when she's not sniffing roses, she's huffing glue. I swear.

    13. Marlboros - Ain't no Virginia Slims.

    14. Winston Churchill - I bet you he really liked his name.

    15. Mars - an aptly named planet, that's all I'm saying.

    16. Nute Rockne - photo says it all.

    17. Atilla the Hun


    18. Lillies of the Valley

     19. Joey Buttafuoco


    20. Nellie Oleson from Little House on the Prairie - one of the best characters to grace television. Nellie Oleson IS Nellie Oleson.


    21. Edgar Allan Poe
    (He's no Guy Smiley.)

    22. Ernest Borgnine (If you've never seen it, watch Marty, one of the sweetest movies of all time. "But Ma, I'm ugly!")


     23. Skunks

    24. Pablo Picasso - well, what did you expect with a name like that? Trouble with a paintbrush.