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| Shut up. Just shut up. |
Smile. [Said only to women. Not your wind-up doll, dude.]
Chill Out.
[So = dismissive it almost justifies a bite to the face.]
Sweet!
[Frat boys invented this and it needs to die a fiery death.]
It’s all good, man.
[No, silly, it’s not. It's clearly not.]
Everything happens for a reason.
[Shew…and here I thought it was unabashed chaos.]
Don’t go there.
[Just did. So there.]
Let's touch base.
[I often say this but cut myself when I do.]
Could you not [fill in the blank]?
[Generally said by haughty, passive-aggressive women. “Can you not put your coat on top of mine?”]
No offense but…
[An offense will follow, no doubt.]
That’s classy!
[People who aren’t tend to say it the most.]
You rock!
[Rock is everything. But saying the word somehow makes it seem nerdy and decidedly unrock-like.]
Sorry but _____.
[Sorry should never go with a but. But erases sorry everytime.]
I’m not going to lie to you...
[Liar.]
Um, can we talk?
[Well, hello lecture.]
Wait till your father gets home.
[Yes even the thought of this phrase from childhood can still fill me with frozen anticipation. Don’t put your children through this torture.]
It is what it is.
[Wow that’s profoundly…nothing.]
Just kidding.
[This “easy out” phrase that allows the speaker to say whatever he or she wants then blame you for your lack of humor.]
So what do you do for a living?
[It seems innocuous enough but forces you to come up with a short answer that will be instantly judged or followed up by a series of boring questions.]
You know what you should do?
[Oh, pray tell, authority figure on Life.]
Chill Out.
[So = dismissive it almost justifies a bite to the face.]
Sweet!
[Frat boys invented this and it needs to die a fiery death.]
It’s all good, man.
[No, silly, it’s not. It's clearly not.]
Everything happens for a reason.
[Shew…and here I thought it was unabashed chaos.]
Don’t go there.
[Just did. So there.]
Let's touch base.
[I often say this but cut myself when I do.]
Could you not [fill in the blank]?
[Generally said by haughty, passive-aggressive women. “Can you not put your coat on top of mine?”]
No offense but…
[An offense will follow, no doubt.]
That’s classy!
[People who aren’t tend to say it the most.]
You rock!
[Rock is everything. But saying the word somehow makes it seem nerdy and decidedly unrock-like.]
Sorry but _____.
[Sorry should never go with a but. But erases sorry everytime.]
I’m not going to lie to you...
[Liar.]
Um, can we talk?
[Well, hello lecture.]
Wait till your father gets home.
[Yes even the thought of this phrase from childhood can still fill me with frozen anticipation. Don’t put your children through this torture.]
It is what it is.
[Wow that’s profoundly…nothing.]
Just kidding.
[This “easy out” phrase that allows the speaker to say whatever he or she wants then blame you for your lack of humor.]
So what do you do for a living?
[It seems innocuous enough but forces you to come up with a short answer that will be instantly judged or followed up by a series of boring questions.]
You know what you should do?
[Oh, pray tell, authority figure on Life.]
To be honest....
[Usually followed by a lie or something that will make you feel like shit.]
Annoying Phrases that Still
Kinda Work
Smooth!
[Said in raspy voice while inhaling high-end weed or drinking tequila.]
You’re not the boss of me.
[Say it to anyone. Especially the boss of you.]
Bitch, please!
[Like a string of pearls, it goes with anything.]
Color me there!
[Coined by gay men in the 1940's, I like to believe.]
Don’t tell me what to do.
[Perfect response to “Have a nice day.”]
Oh no you didn’t!
[Said with just the right amount of black woman sass, of course.]
That's what she/he said.
[Use liberally. You’ll be surprised how many times it works. Mechanic: You’ll need your front end replaced. You: That’s what he said. See? Easy.]
Whatever.
[An icy cold way to dismiss someone almost entirely. Use sparingly.]
Shut your piehole!
[Weird but kinda works. And strangely perverted.]
You're a rebel. They try to stop you but they cannot.
[Said to anyone about to do anything boring. "Hey, I'm going to the carwash." "You're a rebel. They try to stop you but they cannot."]
To the Prince of Darkness!
[Used at formal celebrations like weddings when glasses are raised for a toast.]
Your mother does what?
[Needs to be said quickly and almost unintelligibly after someone has said something you didn’t quite understand.]
Suck it.
[Short and effective.]
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