Thursday, February 9, 2012

15 Bands that Smarted the Fun out of Music

Some musicians are a little too smart for their own good. They're not bad or anything. Just could stand to lighten up a little. Stop smarting the fun out of music, man!

WARNING! Do not defend the bands to us. We actually like several of the musicians listed. We make fun of them nonetheless...because we can, we can.



1. Brian Eno (Well, someone's looking stately today.)



2. Philip Glass (likes balloons and black licorice)



3. Radiohead (If I played a practical joke on Thom Yorke, he'd scold me and I'd cry.)



4. Beethoven


5. Moby

6. Patti Smith (likes to be tickled with pink feathers)



7. Trent Reznor (They're all laughing at you, Trent.)



8. Leonard Cohen and Suzanne Vega. (Not skipping through the daisies anytime soon.)

9. Robert Fripp (The "I'm smarter than you and I know it" look.)



10. Morrissey (Don't let the pussycat fool you.)


11. Early Bono (His lizard-like tongue is about to dart into one of the flowers any second.)


12. Arnold Schoenberg (Oh you're in trouble now.)


13. Lou Reed (Even dead, he's grouchy.)

13. Steely Dan (Love you guys, you know that...but you definitely fit the bill.)


15. Diamanda Galas (Lover of raw meat and sharp objects.)




(My fave Moby piece. Serious but oh so stunning.)

Saturday, January 21, 2012

My Top Ten Netflix Streaming Suggestions

It doesn't take much to excite me at this point of the winter. It's cold, dreary and desolate at the Jersey shore and I wear pajamas and my "suicide robe" (as I affectionately call it) entirely too much. Teeth are brushed only if they're lucky. And one day last week, I actually watched dust settle. I swear.


BUT Netflix has been quite enjoyable. I don't have cable television. My TV is my computer now. And thanks to all the great shows and movies available, I can be entertained by something other than taking out the trash.

The following list contains shows that can all be streamed. No DVD needed!


1. Wire in the Blood


Wire in the Blood is one of the finest criminal investigations dramas I've seen (and trust me, I watch a lot of them). Psychologist Dr. Tony Hill (played by the amazing Robson Green) is teamed up with a tough female detective to track down serial killers. (After watching this series, you'll think that the UK is just teeming with them, when in actuality, they are a rarity.)

The acting is what really makes this show standout. Robson Green's character truly immerses himself in the mind of each serial killer, so we really get a deep sense of their inner workings. Each show is more like a mini well-crafted movie. (Apparently this lead to the program's demise; they consistently went over budget.)

(Beware: this show is not for the meek at heart; there is seriously disturbing content in some episodes.)

2. The Guardian

My boyfriend Simon Baker. Shh...he doesn't know yet!

I never heard about this show, nor had I seen Simon Baker in The Mentalist (which, after viewing recently, isn't even in the same league as The Guardian). But after one episode, I was hooked. It's a smart premise, ripe with possibility: a cocky, coke-addicted corporate lawyer is busted on a drug charge. His punishment: serve 1500 hours as a child advocate at a legal aid service.

Nick Fallin becomes incrementally more human and vulnerable with each touching case. I'm not sure how he didn't win an award for his performance. His portrayal is extremely subtle but resonant. And Dabney Coleman, as his father, is wonderful as always.

The stand-out supporting actor in the series is Raphael Sbarge, Nick's good-natured associate. His portrayal of a man deeply struggling with his sexuality is poignant and complex. Wendy Moniz as Nick's love interest is damn cute and likable.

3. Trust

Directed by David Schwimmer of Friends fame, I did not expect much from this movie. But it's smooth, taut and genuinely spooky. It follows a teenage girl's seduction by a middle-aged Internet predator and the affects it has on her family after she's assaulted by him.

The teenage girl (played by Liana Liberato) is spot on; you couldn't ask for a more well-crafted performance of a girl her age. And Clive Owen and Catherine Keener as the parents wrestling with the aftermath are both in top form.

David Schwimmer...who would have thunk, right?

4. The Guilty


The Guilty actor Michael Kitchen, my other new boyfriend. (Don't tell Simon.)

The Brits just do television and film a bit better. It's true, admit it. Sure their production value often lags behind ours (why does everything they do look it's shot in the 80's?), but they make up for it with superb nuanced acting, better comedic abilities, and a certain "regularness" to their characters (meaning they don't look like supermodels so are therefore more relatable.)

I won't say much about this two-part TV show because it would be too easy to give aspects of it away. In short, three wildly different people's lives collide in a rather catastrophic way. Very worth the watch.

5. Mystery Science Theater 3000

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Cave Dwellers

I'm guessing most of us have watched this "guilty pleasure" show in the past, where three critics mercilessly rip apart B-movies of yore. I find it the perfect recipe if you're sick and in bed or a low-key party where weed is involved. It's just the right amount of mindless entertainment.

I was going to suggest Mitchell, one of my personal favorites, but you have to order the DVD for that one. Manos: the Hands of Fate is in the process of being remastered, so you might to check out that eternal crowd pleaser.

And here's a best of list I found that's pretty on point. Make sure you check out the list - not all MST3K episodes are created equal.

(I generally fast forward through the opening and the show hosts comedic bits in between; they're just not that funny.)


(Mitchell! Forward to 5:15, past the unfunny.)


6. Law & Order - The Whole Lot of Them


I used to be preferential to only early Law & Order (the original) and Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. But the truth is, they are all good in their own right (though I confess, I never have seen or plan on seeing the court room drama one).

I also used to avidly dislike Law & Order: Criminal Intent because I have such a love/hate issue with Vincent D'onofrio. But guess what? At this point of the year, I love him again. He's really an amazing actor; he's just annoying sometimes.

But Law & Order SVU is professionalism to the nth degree. A well-oiled machine. Dick Wolf and and his gang just know how to put a TV show together, formulaic as it may be. Can't stop watching the damn shows. It's the Pringles of television.

7. Goodbye Again

I'm not sure how I stumbled across this movie, but thoroughly enjoyed it. Interestingly, it's not very well-reviewed and I'm not sure why. Anthony Perkins is so energetic and endearing in his portrayal (almost a shame he's so inextricably connected in our minds with Psycho).

And I'll tell you a secret: I never understood why Ingrid Bergman is considered a good actress. She always felt a bit...flat to me. But in this movie, I got it. She's very understated in her approach, which I mistook.

In short, Anthony Perkin's character, in his 20's, falls hard for Bergman's character, in her 40's and unhappily involved. Bergman begins to have feelings for him, which she's conflicted about.

A sweet Sunday afternoon watch.



8. Charmed (The Shannen Doherty years)


Laugh if you must, but I'm a big Charmed fan. I don't know why. Why does one like cupcakes or skinny menthol cigarettes?

Do I have to explain the plot? Okay, it's about three witches who have high-level supernatural abilities. They team up to fight crime, evil, blah, blah, blah.

As you may have noted, I suggest the early years only. Once Prue dies, the show goes to pot. Alyssa Milano wears ridiculous outfits where you're forced to look at her well-trained abs for a half hour. And Rose McGowan just does not have the cajones that Doherty had. (Doherty played a witch for a very good reason...and you can guess what that is.)

9. Behaving Badly

Suggested to me by Open Salon's mumbletypeg after writing my last piece about proudly releasing your inner bitch, this mini-series is fun and unusual.

Judi Dench plays a woman who has hit a certain limit in her life and begins to act out in "strange" ways. I don't want to give away much more than that, but her portrayal is contained yet daring. She weaves so much class into her bitchiness. My bitch is much more sophisticated after watching her bitch.

Production value is lacking a bit, but again, it's streaming and available; I don't care as much if I'm not in a theater or ordering a DVD.

10: I Know Where I'm Going

Not the lead actress, but a thoroughly enchanting supporting role by Pamela Brown

Damnit...so angry! This isn't available for streaming anymore. But this was definitely one of my favorite finds so I just had to add it. This is an adorable, magical little movie filmed entirely in Scotland.

It follows headstrong Joan Webster (actress Wendy Hiller) who knows exactly what she wants in life, until she's stranded in a rugged Scottish village by the sea. It's there she begins to re-evaluate her decisions.

Okay, so you'll have to order this one then. There are bonus features on it apparently. And you can tell me all about them. Just loved this slightly surreal, special film.



So there you go. Have to get going. The mailman is coming by soon and I want to gussy up for his visit.

(Also want to tip my virtual hat to Monsieur Chariot, who writes amazing and entertaining reviews for Open Salon and inspired me to try my hand at it.)

OPEN SALON MEMBERS CHIME IN:

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The Top 10 "Don't Date" Professions


You felt your heart sink a little when he said he was a poet. Your stomach turned when he said he was going on tour with his metal band. You chuckled inwardly when he told you he teaches spin class.

While the ladies at Silly Lists of Nothingness refrain from making sweeping generalizations, we still know red flags when we see them.


Stand-up Comedians
Worst: The drunk, angry ones
Best: The angry ones

Wordsmiths
Worst: Tie! Fiction writer and Poet....no, poets are the worst.
Best: Web content for faceless corporations

Photographers
Worst: Photojournalists (long story but ask Ruby at rubyt@gmail.com)
Best: Event Photographer (weddings, bar mitvahs, pet portraiture, etc)

Musicians
Worst: Tie! Touring rock star and jazz musician with suspicious marks on arm
Best: Studio

Food Industry
Worst: Anyone called "Chef" or "Culinary Master"
Best: Short order cook in a 50's style cafe in the Midwest wearing a white t-shirt that smells of blue sky and manhood

Actors
Worst: Actors
Best: Non-actors.

Butchers
Best: Cute deli department guy
Worst: Ted Bundy

Presidents
Best: President of a remote tropical island, where mai tais reign supreme
Worst: All of the rest

Race car Drivers
Best: The really slow ones, with nothing to prove
Worst: The fast ones with bad eyesight

Doctors
Best: The Love doctor, baby...and he's in!
Worst: Plastic surgeons

Conductors
Best: The choo-choo train kind, with the cute hats
Worst: The cocky ones with batons and tempers

Professional Athletes
Best: Pro badminton coach
Worst: All of the rest

Men of the Sea
Best: Hot Lifeguard who loves giving mouth-to-mouth
Worst: Shark "expert"

Jockey
Best: Horse
Worst: Disc

Candlestick Maker
Worst: (Yes, we have two worsts for this category): Hippie drop-out living in Santa Cruz
Worst: A ghost of yore (because dating the dead has built-in limitations.)




Friday, December 16, 2011

7 Things I'm Suprised I DON'T Like




1. Zebras

I love animals. LOVE them. They make me believe in God and everything good. They are pure life and goodness. But for some reason, zebras leave me scratching my head. I just don't...get them. Are they horses? What do they do?


2. Billie Holiday

I should so love Lady Day. She sings with that world weary pathos that should emotionally resonate with me. But ugh...that swoopy, dippy voice. Frankly, I've never understood why she's even known as a good singer. (I know - blasphemy.)


3. Champagne



I love booze! We go way back. I've visited the Champagne region in France and drank some of the best in the world. And I like celebratory drinks, where glasses go clink. But I do not like champagne. Just says headache to me.



4. My One Friend who Shall Remain Nameless

She's been my friend for a long time. But she doesn't listen all that well. And whenever I do get the chance to tell her what's going on with me, I feel like she judges me on this subtle level. So when I get off the phone with her, I always feel crappy.



5. Snowboarding

 Because I surf, people enthusiastically push snowboarding on me. "You'll love it! It's just like surfing." No, I won't. It's just not my sport. I picked my sports and its not one of them.


6. Mad Men

I love good television. And I know Mad Men is supposed to be "great" or whatever. But I never plan on watching it. It's just too pretty and I have a feeling it will annoy me for some reason.

I have a feeling the misogyny quotient would be too high for me to overlook (and trust me, I have to overlook it a lot in many television shows and movies.)


7. Theater


Oh god strike me down for this: I hate theater! And guess what? I studied it at a university for years. I'm a trained actor. But if you want to see me slip into a protective comatose state, put me in a cramped, hot theater with a play that is entirely too long. That says hell to me.

Plus theater has sucked for a long, long time. It's an empty art at this point. It's too constrained and sanitized. When I'm forced to go, I treat it like a good deed - like giving blood or going to church or something. But the whole time, I'm dying a million deaths.


8. Seinfeld

I should love it. It broke the mold, etc. But I feel like I know funny pretty well...and Seinfeld ain't it. Too dry, like Letterman. And Jerry is a crappy actor. And he seems like a dick in real life. If its a show about nothing, then they succeeded.
Now Curb your Entusiasm, I like. It was a bit abrasive at first but it grew on me.
Larry David in a great scene from a Woody Allen movie:

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The 15 Sexiest Father Figures of All Time

Check out these sexy father types and choose one for your own unmet childhood needs and current day crises. Hell, choose a couple (you know, different dads for different meltdowns).

May they love you deeply, guide you firmly, and look smoking hot all the while.


1. Atticus Finch:











Daddy personified, I'd like to forcibly remove Scout out of this porch scene and replace her with a 43-year old me.


2. Pa Ingalls



















Apparently Michael Landon was a bit of a grouchy hard-ass in person but on LHOP (you know what show I’m talking about), he was the all-knowing and all-understanding Pa Ingalls with plain, good old fashioned advice meant to keep you on the straight and narrow.


3. Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ:



















He understands. And he's got really warm hands.



4. Max Von Sydow




















Picture says it all.



5. Donald Sutherland:











I've been crushing on Donald Sutherland since I was a kid. Once in New York City, a woman walked by Ruby and I, wearing a t-shirt that simply read "Donald Sutherland." Who wears a shirt with just an actor's name in iron-on felt letters on it?

We found this strange but somehow, since it was Donald Sutherland, we understood.


6. Gandolph



















Magical dads with long beards are sexy and cool.



7. My old boyfriend Richard Lee
 



8. Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights:















9. William Faulkner

That wacky dad that you always secretly craved.



10. Nat King Cole














Just the name screams sexy dad type. The voice and kind, easy-going demeanor add to overall paternal bliss.


11. Darth Vadar:











If you're in the market for an all-around scary bad-ass of a dad. Nobody will be beating you up at school, that's for sure.



12. Tommy Lee Jones
















Stern but fair. Loud but loving.


13. My Dad (of course)





14. The song "Father Figure":




Thanks to following Open Salon and Facebook folks for contributions and suggestions:

Ruby Lawrence, Sandy Schulman, Ralph Riggliadez, Angela Freeman Tiene, Anthony Revelas, Erin Cutili, Karen Reb Rudel,Douglas Mann, Sir Steve Blevins, Bobby Jean Gallagher, Scottie Chapman, Connie Mack, Cherie Siebert, Janet Scheffler, Sheila Smigel and Odette Roulette.

And Odette Roulette, this bonus father figure is for you, a longtime proponent of the sexiness that was Hugh Beaumont:

Hello, Odette. I'm Hugh Beaumont, your fictional father. Now go to your room.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Men you Forgot were Hot

The scientists at Silly Lists of Nothingness have been plugging tirelessly away at yet another ridiculous list for your review. This week, Dr. Ruby Lawrence and Dr. Beth Mann spent nearly two hours in the lab, dissecting photographs of hot men in the name of science.

Now, we're not talking about your garden variety Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise. This list include hotties you may forgotten - overlooked hotties, if you will - as well as historical hotties you didn't know existed in the first place.


Young Chris Walken - interplanetary hottie.



The late, great and undeniably hot Cleavon Little.



Harry Houdini - magical hottie.


Jesse James - young, punk-ass hottie.



Kevin Kline - classic hottie.



Lord Byron - poetic hottie.


Kirk Douglas (Dr. Lawrence made me put him on the list).


Robert Powell as Jesus - this man still looks smokin':



Nathan Hale -rocking it in bronze.


John Larroquette - a cozy hottie.



Chuck Woolery...just because.


Frank Langella, maybe not the best Dracula, but the hottest.



Larry Hagman, the early days - steely-eyed hottie.


Franz Schubert, pre-pudge.



Malcolm X - with a name like that, you kinda have to be a hot.


Oscar Wilde...he definitely had it all going.

"It is better to be beautiful than to be good.
But... it is better to be good than to be ugly."

Yul Brenner...it's the power eyebrows.



John Cassavetes - old-school New York style hottie.




Louis XIV - pre-syphilis, sporting an early heavy metal look...literally.



Telly Savalas, sans lollipop.



Tyrone Power, later years...classy and okay wearing pretty scarf.



Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill - monetary hottie.




Donald Sutherland....my make-believe dad.



Malcolm McDowell....oh sigh.




(Above, one of the sexiest pictures ever taken of an actor, in Dr. Mann's opinion.)







Shhh...we're busy in our black and white laboratory,
trying to concentrate.