7 Things I'm Suprised I DON'T Like

1. Zebras

I love animals. LOVE them. They make me believe in God and everything good. They are pure life and goodness. But for some reason, zebras leave me scratching my head. I just don't...get them. Are they horses? What do they do?


2. Billie Holiday

I should so love Lady Day. She sings with that world weary pathos that should emotionally resonate with me. But ugh...that swoopy, dippy voice. Frankly, I've never understood why she's even known as a good singer. (I know - blasphemy.)


3. Champagne



I love booze! We go way back. I've visited the Champagne region in France and drank some of the best in the world. And I like celebratory drinks, where glasses go clink. But I do not like champagne. Just says headache to me.



4. My One Friend who Shall Remain Nameless

She's been my friend for a long time. But she doesn't listen all that well. And whenever I do get the chance to tell her what's going on with me, I feel like she judges me on this subtle level. So when I get off the phone with her, I always feel crappy.



5. Snowboarding

 Because I surf, people enthusiastically push snowboarding on me. "You'll love it! It's just like surfing." No, I won't. It's just not my sport. I picked my sports and its not one of them.


6. Mad Men

I love good television. And I know Mad Men is supposed to be "great" or whatever. But I never plan on watching it. It's just too pretty and I have a feeling it will annoy me for some reason.

I have a feeling the misogyny quotient would be too high for me to overlook (and trust me, I have to overlook it a lot in many television shows and movies.)


7. Theater


Oh god strike me down for this: I hate theater! And guess what? I studied it at a university for years. I'm a trained actor. But if you want to see me slip into a protective comatose state, put me in a cramped, hot theater with a play that is entirely too long. That says hell to me.

Plus theater has sucked for a long, long time. It's an empty art at this point. It's too constrained and sanitized. When I'm forced to go, I treat it like a good deed - like giving blood or going to church or something. But the whole time, I'm dying a million deaths.

8. Seinfeld

I should love it. It broke the mold, etc. But I feel like I know funny pretty well...and Seinfeld ain't it. Too dry, like Letterman. And Jerry is a crappy actor. And he seems like a dick in real life. If its a show about nothing, then they succeeded.

Now Curb your Entusiasm, I like. It was a bit abrasive at first but it grew on me.

Larry David in a great scene from a Woody Allen movie:

The 15 Sexiest Father Figures of All Time

Check out these sexy father types and choose one for your own unmet childhood needs and current day crises. Hell, choose a couple (you know, different dads for different meltdowns).

May they love you deeply, guide you firmly, and look smoking hot all the while.

1. Atticus Finch:











Daddy personified, I'd like to forcibly remove Scout out of this porch scene and replace her with a 43-year old me.


2. Pa Ingalls



















Apparently Michael Landon was a bit of a grouchy hard-ass in person but on LHOP (you know what show I’m talking about), he was the all-knowing and all-understanding Pa Ingalls with plain, good old fashioned advice meant to keep you on the straight and narrow.


3. Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ:



















He understands. And he's got really warm hands.



4. Max Von Sydow




















Picture says it all.



5. Donald Sutherland:











I've been crushing on Donald Sutherland since I was a kid. Once in New York City, a woman walked by Ruby and I, wearing a t-shirt that simply read "Donald Sutherland." Who wears a shirt with just an actor's name in iron-on felt letters on it?

We found this strange but somehow, since it was Donald Sutherland, we understood.


6. Gandolph



















Magical dads with long beards are sexy and cool.



7. My old boyfriend Richard Lee
 



8. Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights:















9. William Faulkner

That wacky dad that you always secretly craved.



10. Nat King Cole

Just the name screams sexy dad type. The voice and kind, easy-going demeanor add to overall paternal bliss.


11. Darth Vadar:











If you're in the market for an all-around scary bad-ass of a dad. Nobody will be beating you up at school, that's for sure.



12. Tommy Lee Jones
















Stern but fair. Loud but loving.


13. My Dad (of course)





14. The song "Father Figure":




Thanks to following Open Salon and Facebook folks for contributions and suggestions:

Ruby Lawrence, Sandy Schulman, Ralph Riggliadez, Angela Freeman Tiene, Anthony Revelas, Erin Cutili, Karen Reb Rudel,Douglas Mann, Sir Steve Blevins, Bobby Jean Gallagher, Scottie Chapman, Connie Mack, Cherie Siebert, Janet Scheffler, Sheila Smigel and Odette Roulette.

And Odette Roulette, this bonus father figure is for you, a longtime proponent of the sexiness that was Hugh Beaumont:

Hello, Odette. I'm Hugh Beaumont, your fictional father. Now go to your room.

Men you Forgot were Hot

The scientists at Silly Lists of Nothingness have been plugging tirelessly away at yet another ridiculous list for your review. This week, Dr. Ruby Lawrence and Dr. Beth Mann spent nearly two hours in the lab, dissecting photographs of hot men in the name of science.

Now, we're not talking about your garden variety Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise. This list include hotties you may forgotten - overlooked hotties, if you will - as well as historical hotties you didn't know existed in the first place.


Young Chris Walken - interplanetary hottie.



The late, great and undeniably hot Cleavon Little.



Harry Houdini - magical hottie.


Jesse James - young, punk-ass hottie.



Kevin Kline - classic hottie.



Lord Byron - poetic hottie.


Kirk Douglas (Dr. Lawrence made me put him on the list).


Robert Powell as Jesus - this man still looks smokin':



Nathan Hale -rocking it in bronze.


John Larroquette - a cozy hottie.



Chuck Woolery...just because.


Frank Langella, maybe not the best Dracula, but the hottest.



Larry Hagman, the early days - steely-eyed hottie.


Franz Schubert, pre-pudge.



Malcolm X - with a name like that, you kinda have to be a hot.


Oscar Wilde...he definitely had it all going.

"It is better to be beautiful than to be good.
But... it is better to be good than to be ugly."

Yul Brenner...it's the power eyebrows.



John Cassavetes - old-school New York style hottie.




Louis XIV - pre-syphilis, sporting an early heavy metal look...literally.



Telly Savalas, sans lollipop.



Tyrone Power, later years...classy and okay wearing pretty scarf.



Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill - monetary hottie.




Donald Sutherland....my make-believe dad.



Malcolm McDowell....oh sigh.




(Above, one of the sexiest pictures ever taken of an actor, in Dr. Mann's opinion.)

Shhh...we're busy in our black and white laboratory,
trying to concentrate.

Strange Expressions that make you go WTF?

WITH NEW ADDITIONS!

Our latest installation includes perplexing phrases that never really made sense. Sure, they probably stem from the Middle Ages or whatever but the point is, we're still baffled.

(And no, we don't want any explanations, thank you. We prefer to remain in the dark, an expression we do understand.)


Eat your heart out.
(A little over the top in the gorey department, wouldn't you say?)

You can call me anything but don't call me late for dinner.
(I've been mulling over this one for decades - still drawing a blank.)

Revenge is a dish best served cold.
(But it's not a dish. It's revenge. It's not meatloaf.)

Shiver me timbers.
(Confounding on several levels.)

Let's bury the hatchet.
(Where? And why has an argument gotten so bad that hatchets are involved?)

That sets my teeth on edge.
(Humanly impossible. And just strange.)

Losing my religion.
(The only decent REM song, at least.)

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
(What? What bird? What hand? What bush? Why?)

He bought the farm and other expressions about dying.
(These include "Kicking the bucket" and "Biting the dust." All pretty weird.)

Go fly a kite.
(I guess this is a lite version of "Go f&%k yourself.")

Tripping the light fantastic.
(One of my favorite expressions! It sounds magical. But I have no clue what it means.)

I'll show you what for.
(Please do.)

By the skin of my teeth.
(Perplexing...and a little gross.)

Living high on the hog.
(Sure, I've experimented with my share of drugs but...)

Snug as a bug in a rug.
(Ew.)

Keep your nose clean.
(I can see this expression working with dogs, perhaps. Or coke addicts.)

I have a bone to pick with you.
(What are we, vultures?)

Happy as a clam.
(Though actually, I'm not one to debate the contentment level of a mollusk so who knows? Do they not laugh in their own special way? Do they not feel pain?)

Warms the cockles of my heart.
(There's the aorta, ventricles, an atrium or two...no cockles. No warmed cockles.)

You can't have your cake and eat it too.
(Why not? Stop with the head games, already! It's cake.)

I'll be a monkey's uncle.
(Um...I don't...but why?)

Ollie, ollie oxen free.
(Well, I'm glad the oxen are free, at least.)

18 Things that are Wonderfully Awful

You love it, you hate it. You love it and hate it at the same moment.

1. Arugula
2. Cough Syrup
3. Pain
4. Funions
5. The Truth
6. Public Access Television
7. Cigarettes
8. Watching Someone Slip & Fall
9. Being Tickled
10. Bill Clinton
11. Scotch
12. Lifetime Movie "Events"
13. Splinter Removal
14. Wasabi
15. Gyn Exams

Some Open Salon Additions:

16. Listerine (thanks Meander61)
17. Itches and Accompanying Scratch (Ms. Lea Lane)
18. Kids (by 1_Irritated_Mother)
List compiled by Dr. Beth Mann and Dame Ruby Lawrence

The Sexiest Men in Rock & Roll - A Scientific Study

This is how you do it.

Some think sexiness is in the eye of the beholder. But is it? Here at Silly Lists of Nothingness, we say its an exacting science that can be proved in labs with women in white coats using complex formulas that are beyond you, so don't worry pretty little head.

This isn't a case of "I think he's hot" as much as this guy is definitely hot - like, scientifically. These guys work it and they own it. We also threw in a few hot rock stars that are non-traditionally sexy but radiate that sexy vibe, which means there's hope for us all.

Here's the criteria which lead us to our findings:

• They ooze sexiness. They know they're sexy and show it off. They're cocky, sometimes literally, as you'll soon see.

• They look good in tight pants.

• They look good in tight pants.

The Top Ten Hottest Men in Rock

1. Jim Morrison
















Topping our list is the Lizard King himself. Jim Morrison stands heads and shoulders above the rest, according to our esteemed panel. In fact, he sets the standard for the rest of the list. The man oozes sexiness, from his leather pants to his pouty lips. He even passes out on stage sexy. Not everyone can pull that off.


2. Sting (The Early Days)

Young Sting was a HOTTIE. Tantric sex Sting of today is a little too rich and self-involved, not like the lean and hungry Sting of yesteryear. Just the video for "Don't Stand so Close to Me" alone created lifelong English teacher fantasies for women worldwide.

3. Jared Leto

Big ego, maybe...but I'm smoking. Just try to deny me."

4. Michael Hutchence of INXS

"I'm feeling cocky....can't you tell?"

5. Rod Stewart (Early Days)



"I plan on fucking a lot. I mean, a lot, a lot."

6. Trent Reznor







7. Mick Jagger

"Please...this list was invented for me."

8. Robert Plant

Eat this, Jagger.

9. Elvis Presley




"Easy, boys. I clearly started the whole thing."


10. Billy Squier

My kinda lover.

11. Freddie Mercury

 "I'm non-traditionally sexy but I got "it" in spades."

12. Chris Cornell

"I don't know why I'm here."

Well, Cornell wasn't going to make the list but as our team of esteemed scientists reviewed more photos, it was decided amongst our team that he would "not be thrown out of bed for eating crackers" as Dr. Lanci put it.

13. Prince

"Bitch please. I should be number one."

14. David Lee Roth

Okay maybe its the chaps...but still.

The People You'll Say Should Have Made the List and Why They Didn't

...scientifically:

1. David Bowie - While he is elegant, stylish and charming, he isn't sexy per se. He's got a little bit of an alien element to him as well which isn't sexy, at least on this planet.

2. Jon Bon Jovi - First off, we did say "rock." And Jon Bon Jovi is good-looking - no doubt. But not sexy. He's kinda cookie cutter good-looking, like a Ken doll.

3. Jeff Buckley - He's a little too poetic and sad to be "rock out with his cock out," as Dr. Lawrence so aptly put it.

4. Kurt Cobain - Raw beauty indeed - but too damaged to be sexy.

5. Skidrow's Sebastian Bach - A little too pretty for his own good.

6. Chris Isaak - Good-looking in a 50's sort of way, but not sexy.

7. Bruce Springsteen - Earthy, gritty...but not sexy. (Though the album cover with his ass on it is a step in the right direction.)

8. Steven Tyler - Sequestered to this list due to poor online imagery.

"This isn't fair."

Thanks to my esteemed colleagues, Dr. Beth Mann, Dr. Ruby Lawrence and Dr. April Lanci-Leseur, whose level of professionalism is remarkable and most importantly, scientific:

"Leave the science to us."






(And Candy, you're always number one on my list.)