13 People Who Ruined it for Everyone Else

1. Pearl Jam

Eddie Vedder and Pearl Jam started a movement of self-serious, white guy rock that has been dismal and morose and needlessly melodramatic. Because of Pearl Jam, we’ve been forced to listen to the likes of Creed, Puddle of Mudd, Staind, Three Doors Down and a slew of other slacken-face maudlinites.


2. John Wayne

John Wayne’s tough guy, all-American machismo set a "stoicism at all costs" tone for generations. Our fathers and grandfathers emulated him, starting a chain of emotionally constipated men who pride themselves in their ability to restrain, like good little cowboys.


3. Later Elton John

Later Elton John ruined it for ruined it for earlier Elton John. Later Robert Deniro ruined it for earlier Robert DeNiro and Later Al "Sir Screamsalot" Pacino ruined it for earlier Al Pacino.


4. People who say Fuck Too Much

Fuck is a fine, fine word. But it needs to be used judiciously, sparingly, not all willy-nilly. If it litters every sentence that comes out of your mouth, you sound trashy and course. (You do, I'm sorry.)
 
5. Britney Spears and Christina Aguilara
Britney Spears and Christina Aguilara ruined it for sexiness worldwide. They taught a generation of women that being over-the-top tawdry was the only way to go. Their sell-out stripper sexiness became increasingly amplified to a cartoonish, grotesque proportion, which basically negates its appeal. Madonna had way more going on.


6. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

Speaking of cartoonish sexiness, when you’re bombarded by images of these two, it’s like eating too many cream-filled donuts. Okay so they’re preternaturally gorgeous. I find it kind of disturbing, frankly. They may be aliens.

 
7. Mickey Mouse

Evil corporate mouse ruined it for the rest of his cool cartoon counterparts (Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, The Peanuts gang, Pink Panther.)

 
8. The song “Stand by your Man”

While not a person, a person sang it and generations of women believed that undying loyalty in the face of blatant betrayal and massively unmet needs showcases their doormat-like stick-to-itiveness.

 
9. Oprah Winfrey

Her sanctimonious manner and mammoth-sized ego ruined it for the likes of talk show hosts everywhere. Oh for the simplicity and intelligence of Phil Donahue/ She also ruined it for a lot of simple housewives who used to have minds of their own. And maybe somehow indirectly spawned the likes of Tyra Banks, who makes me want to light my hair on fire.


10. Sarah McLachlin, et. al.

Ruined it for chick rock in a big way. After her, we had to listen to years of wimpy, weepy, and neutered chick bands with no backbone and no balls. I'm not saying they're all bad per se...they just perpetuated a certain "too softness." Listen to Tori Amos (who is no Kate Bush) then listen to Heart (videos below - and yes, I know Heart hit their sucky phase later on.)


11. Geico Lizard, Spuds McKenzie, et. al.

These corporate creatures ruin it for animals worldwide. As do all the people who say, “Our dog thinks he’s human.” “Our dog is like our baby.” No, your dog is an ANIMAL. Don't make them human. Don’t dress them up, don’t make them sell car insurance or hawk cheap beer. Let them be animals and stop your needy projecting.

In short, it’s not cute when animals talk – it’s weird and unnatural. (Except for Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. That’s different...somehow. And Snoopy. Wait. Snoopy didn’t talk. Neither did the Pink Panther. See?)


12. Radio Morning Shows

Radio morning shows have ruined radio. (So has Clear Channel but that’s a whole other entry.) All radio morning shows suck, across the board. All of them except for Howard Stern in his heyday (think what you want about the man but he was ground breaker.) Morning shows have contributed to the destruction of the radio, which is a tragic thing. The spirit of the radio has been dying for a long, long time.


13. The Sopranos

The Sopranos have ruined it for New Jersey. Now a bunch of wannabes go around, smoking their cigars in their big, fat cars, thinking their sexist, indulgent and tasteless lifestyle is actually cool…and it’s not.

The 20 or 30 Most Annoying Phrases of All Time

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Shut up. Just shut up.

Smile.  [Said only to women. Not your wind-up doll, dude.]

Chill Out.                                                  
[So = dismissive it almost justifies a bite to the face.]

Sweet!                                                       
[Frat boys invented this and it needs to die a fiery death.]

It’s all good, man.                                            
[No, silly, it’s not. It's clearly not.]

Everything happens for a reason.        
[Shew…and here I thought it was unabashed chaos.]

Don’t go there.                               
[Just did. So there.]

Let's touch base.                                              
[I often say this but cut myself when I do.]

Could you not [fill in the blank]?
[Generally said by haughty, passive-aggressive women. “Can you not put your coat on top of mine?”]

No offense but…
[An offense will follow, no doubt.]

That’s classy!
[People who aren’t tend to say it the most.]

You rock!
[Rock is everything. But saying the word somehow makes it seem nerdy and decidedly unrock-like.]

Sorry but _____.
[Sorry should never go with a but. But erases sorry everytime.]

I’m not going to lie to you...
[Liar.]

Um, can we talk?
[Well, hello lecture.]

Wait till your father gets home.
[Yes even the thought of this phrase from childhood can still fill me with frozen anticipation. Don’t put your children through this torture.]

It is what it is.
[Wow that’s profoundly…nothing.]

Just kidding.
[This “easy out” phrase that allows the speaker to say whatever he or she wants then blame you for your lack of humor.]

So what do you do for a living?
[It seems innocuous enough but forces you to come up with a short answer that will be instantly judged or followed up by a series of boring questions.]

You know what you should do?
[Oh, pray tell, authority figure on Life.]

To be honest....
[Usually followed by a lie or something that will make you feel like shit.]

Annoying Phrases that Still Kinda Work

Smooth!
[Said in raspy voice while inhaling high-end weed or drinking tequila.]

You’re not the boss of me.
[Say it to anyone. Especially the boss of you.]

Bitch, please!
[Like a string of pearls, it goes with anything.]

Color me there!
[Coined by gay men in the 1940's, I like to believe.]

Don’t tell me what to do.
[Perfect response to “Have a nice day.”]

Oh no you didn’t!
[Said with just the right amount of black woman sass, of course.]

That's what she/he said.
[Use liberally. You’ll be surprised how many times it works. Mechanic: You’ll need your front end replaced. You: That’s what he said. See? Easy.]

Whatever.
[An icy cold way to dismiss someone almost entirely. Use sparingly.]

Shut your piehole!
[Weird but kinda works. And strangely perverted.]

You're a rebel. They try to stop you but they cannot.
[Said to anyone about to do anything boring. "Hey, I'm going to the carwash." "You're a rebel. They try to stop you but they cannot."]

To the Prince of Darkness!
[Used at formal celebrations like weddings when glasses are raised for a toast.]

Your mother does what?
[Needs to be said quickly and almost unintelligibly after someone has said something you didn’t quite understand.]

Suck it.
[Short and effective.]

The 16 Most Overrated Sex Acts of All Time

 

Oh yes, baby…yes!! 

These acts seem like a good idea at the time. Until someone loses an eye. Not so sexy anymore, is it? So think twice and think hard before you attempt the following:

1. Sex on the Beach

Sure it looks great in the movie but in real life, sand enters crevices you didn’t know existed. Temperatures vary. Mosquitoes bite. God invented beds for a reason. Even the cocktail named after it sucks.

2. Sex in Watery Places

Taking a shower with your lover should be sexy but there’s a constant power play going on. Who stands under the showerhead and for how long? Then there’s that awkward changing of positions.

Or how about hot tubs with chemicals and lord-knows-what swirling in and out of you? Natural lubrication is washed away, making it not always the most comfortable experience (just being honest).

3. Porn Style Sex

Porn sex is the extreme sport of sexual acts. Lots of head tosses, loud moans, frenzied flesh pounding. Getting banged hard and repeatedly has its perks, don’t get me wrong, but women lose sensation from too much slamming. (Men take note.)

It also feels like more of a performance than a sexual act. Like you should hear sideline cheers or the clang of a ringside bell when you’re done.

4. One Night Stands

Okay, I’m not throwing out the baby with the disgusting hot tub water. The occasional one-night stand can be just what the doctor ordered. But usually there’s too much drinking involved and the high probability that you’re going home with someone who will seem quite different when the morning light and boozy spell of delusion has worn off.

5. Orgies

Orgies are a little too diplomatic. You can’t just say, “Get your damn hands off me, dude. But you over there, come to mama.” There can be hurt feelings, big bellies and overall 70’s pervy weirdness.

Besides who holds orgies anymore? Didn’t they fall out of vogue when Rome collapsed?”

6. Sex Involving Food

Some guy blindfolded me once and poured hot fudge all over me. It got all over my new sheets and blankets. I could’ve killed him. (Now had he fed me a hot fudge sundae prior to sex, that would have been hot. Pillows covered in chocolate? Not so hot.) 

7. Drug Addled Sex

Drugs make you feel like the Superman of sex. Unfortunately they can also be your kryptonite. Trying to have an orgasm on drugs is like a mirage in a desert. You keep reaching for it. You want it soooo bad, but…you…just…can’t…get…it.

8. Sex in Tight Quarters

This would include cars, bathroom stalls and coffins. Ultimately sex needs a little breathing room. And cars can have stick shifts—you can only imagine the dangers there.


9. Sex with a Really Hot Person

Hot people are notoriously lazy in bed. Just ask Nicolai in Paris, who had everybody’s head turning. I was so excited when we finally were in bed together but he soon assumed this corpse-like position, as if to say, (in a French accent, of course) “You are lucky to have me. Now do what you may. I am sleepy. I am pretty.’”


10. Sex involving Clothes Ripping

Every once in a while, the caveman routine works. But most of the time, I think, “Ass, you just ripped my good shirt. Ass.”

11. Sex Involving Cameras

Two words: the Internet.

12. Sex on a Waterbed

A little dated at this point, but man, what a design backfire. The whole raison d’etre behind a waterbed was hot sex yet it eluded you at every awkward oceanic turn.

13. Tantric Sex

This is when white people do a lot of hair stroking and face-cupping. And scented candles. No thanks.

One guy I was with prided himself on never coming. He called it a circular orgasm or something ridiculous. Cut to 4 am when I finally said, “Hey there, remember me? There’s a person underneath you who needs some sleep.”

14. Sex with a Large Member

Yes, size does count but the all-female jury (or the four friends I polled) declared that width counts more. A really large penis limits positions (“Ouch, that hurts. Not that way!”) And bladder infections are never sexy.

15. Sex with a Rock Star

Well, first there's the height factor. It’s a well-known fact that rock stars are 5 feet tall, tops. There’s also the ego element (see Sex with a Hot Person). Interestingly, rock stars are fantastic masturbators due to their extreme self-involvement. You can leave the room in the middle of it all, make yourself a sandwich, watch TV. Good chance you won’t be missed.

16. Sex with the Legal but Young

Young guys can be pretty clueless…but you know what? So can many of their more “mature” counterparts. It all comes down to tuning into someone. “Getting it on” instead of one person “getting off”. If you can do that, age doesn’t matter. And if you can’t, then getting older probably won’t help.

The 7 Things I'm Not Addicted To

My friend Dea says she has an addictive personality and I smile slightly. Because she doesn’t. Only people with real addictive personalities know that wild, sick, consumptive burn that emanates from some fiery pit in your soul and wants to eat your charred skin for dinner.
Addictions are born from the balls of the devil. Addictions make you want to carve the word "Defile!" on your forehead with a rusty blade, while your mom is forced to watch, helplessly.

Addiction is not a word to bandy about. You either have one or you don’t. No grey area. And there are no cute addictions. You’re not addicted to your puppy or your sweet spouse of 25 years or the great outdoors.

Dea says that’s not true! She's hooked on coffee. I giggle and she is annoyed. Hooked on coffee…how quaint. Try being high on a pile of coke, smoking your 50th cigarette at 4 am, drinking straight vodka with a twist of lemon (for Vitamin C, of course) and wanting to fuck an inanimate object just because you can.

Hooked on coffee…silly girl. So with my addictive personality, I decided to focus on the positive. What am I not addicted to?

Gambling: Nope. Nothing there. A real flat line. Don’t get it. Don’t get how people would be hooked on gambling. I understand it conceptually…just don’t have that streak. Yay for me!

Ice Cream: I hear stories where people in profound emotional distress resort to Ben and Jerry’s as a way to escape. That’s a cute one too. That’s a cute little addiction for babies and puppies. I don’t care about ice cream. I care about escaping my constantly chattering brain voices with non-dairy items like horse tranquilizers.

Heroin: Shew! Thank goodness I missed that gravy train, huh? As a matter of fact, I think it’s the only drug I haven’t tried. I’ve tried GHB, ketamine, peyote, mushrooms, acid and some “boutique” marijuana called Purple Kush. But no junk in my trunk. Yay for me!

Work: Nope, not a problem. No workaholism coursing through these veins. I work for a bit until my 21-year-old friend comes over and says, “Hey, wannna smoke out and go surfing?” Next thing I know, a whole day went by and I’ve completed an hour’s worth of work but a day’s worth of solid surfing. Yay for me!

Phonics: I’m not hooked on phonics. I like phonics. But I’m not hooked on phonics. Actually, I don’t even know what phonics be. Yay!

Religion: Not hooked on God. I try to parlay my ragingly addictive personality into something positively spiritual but alas, God is dead and I stand alone, sipping my wine, staring off into the sunset wondering if I could bum a cigarette from the guy in the car who's looking at the sunset too.

Love: Might as well face it, I’m not addicted to love. I love love but I’m not hooked on love. I prefer rampant codendency, unavailable men and a constant longing that makes your insides rotate and twist on a daily basis. I choose basking in the glory of abandonment issues that keep you constantly wanting something you’ll never have. Love, shmove! Gimme some of that good ol’ fashioned emotional unavailability anyday! Yay for lovelessness!

But seriously folks, I’ve come a long way, baby. My addictions have died down as the years have passed. They softened and settled. I play with my addictive personality now like an old, trouble-making friend. I’ve even named her. My addictive personality is named Sally. Sally Feed the Hole (sort of has a Native American feel, no?)

Sally, say good night to the people:

“Night, night.”

See? She’s not so bad. She just wants a little attention every once in a while.

People, Places or Things with their F$#k On

This list is comprised of people or things who radiate a certain “let’s get it on" vibe. We tried to stray away from the obvious: models and Angelina Jolie and work more toward the unusual...with some obvious thrown in for good measure - like kittens.

I'd like to thank the Academy, Joe, April, Ruby, Paul, Peggie, Wine and another Joe…and God.


Rod Stewart
Bob Fosse
Prince
Pink Lemonade
Aerosmith
Van Halen (with DLR, of course)
Fettucini Carbonara
Jesus
Dracula
Rudolph Valentino
Honey
Julius Caesar
Jim Morisson
The Tango
Leather
The Baldwin Family
Nattassja Kinski
Paris
Kim Bassinger
Little Red Riding Hood
Cleopatra
John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever
Joel Gray in Cabaret
Margaret Thatcher (April’s choice…not sure but why not?)
James Brown
Napoleon
Jack Cassidy (70’s star)
Anne Rice
Elliot Stabler from Law and Order SVU (actor Chris Meloni)
Caligula
Bill Clinton
Jason Bateman (Okay, he doesn't have his F%&k on per se, but he's great!)
Lolita
S-E-X
Tequila
Pick-up Trucks
Jimi Hendrix
James Spader
Bonnie and Clyde
Clockwork Orange
April’s Friend Trish
Errol Flynn
Lady Godiva
Whipped Cream
Men in Kilts
Men in Make-up
Monkeys
Anais Nin
Chocolate
The song Father Figure
The orchid
Henry Miller
Knights of the Round Table and Team Camelot
Trent Reznor
Kittens
Jared Leto
Jared Leto having erotic relations with self in The Kill
Barbie
Woodstock from the Peanuts
Eddie Murphy (pre-Disney)
My English Teacher in High School
Bette Davis
Your Mother
Those Weird Unicorn Posters in Children’s Rooms
Billy Bob Thornton
Peter Gabriel
Roseanna Arquette
Mary Magdalene
Jimmy Page
Peaches
Suntan Stuff that Smells Like Coconut

20 Random Songs to Have Sex to (or Songs to have Random Sex to)

Contrary to the title of this list, there are only a few songs here you that should accompany S-E-X. Most of them are sexually inspirational nature and should compel you to go get some.

1. I Have the Touch – Peter Gabriel
(One of my top favorite sexy songs. But beware - there are two versions. The long one – 5:23 - is far superior to the shorter canned version. Very sexy song)

2. One of these Nights – The Eagles
(For the darker sexual appetites.)

3. Just What I Needed – The Cars
(Lots of feed me’s and bleed me’s - sexy)

4. Kashmir – Led Zeppelin
(The song just sounds like sex. Ruby thinks the song is too cliché)

5. All is Forgiven – Jellyfish
(In addition to being one of my fave songs of all time, this song is so sexually cathartic, you feel like you should have scratch marks down your back when it’s over)

6. Since K Got Over Me – The Clientele
(Something sleepy sexy about this song)

7. Do Ya Think I’m Sexy – Rod Stewart
(Go ahead – call me cheesy. But Rod Stewart flaunted it and I say hale to that)

8. I’m Gonna Crawl – Led Zeppelin
(For the crawler in all of us)

9. Turn Me Loose - Loverboy
(I find Mike Reno’s bratty voice very sexy)

10. Come here, Boy – Imogen Heap
(This a sultry, sexually aggressive female song. Yay!)

11. Tattooed Love Boys – The Pretenders
(This is a sultry, sexually aggressive female song. Yay!)

12. Magic Man - Heart
(This is a sultry, sexually aggressive female song. Yay!)

13. Don’t Fear the Ripper – Blue Oyster Cult
(Death and sex go hand and hand like peanut butter and jelly)

14. Don’t Stand So Close to Me – The Police
(If you’ve ever had a crush on your tousled, handsome English teacher in high school, who you would catch staring at you during a test and you’d get warm all over and look away quickly only to look up again and still see him staring at you and who, years later, you’d invite over for lunch and almost, almost make a move on him finally…but no, you couldn’t because you were trembling so badly because he was old enough to be your father but that’s what makes it so…but maybe he’s better off as your first almost actualized sexual fantasy - than you’d appreciate this song. Thank you, my dear Mr. O’Brien, whom I still talk to and adore with all of my heart.)

15. 5 to 1 – The Doors
(Maybe it’s the way Jim Morrison opens the songs with “Love my girl. She’s looking good.” Or maybe it’s the rhythm of the song. But the song just seems dirty and raw.)

16. Touch Me – The Doors
(If the last minute of this song doesn’t make you want to rip your clothes off, you’re dead.)

17. Rough Boys – Pete Townsend
(I have such a distinct penchant for angry, unattractive Brit rockers and music that slams in my face)

18. Oblivion – Astor Piazolla
(Sex in a song.)

19. She Moves in Mysterious Ways – U2
(Never been a fan of U2 – other than Beautiful Day and this song, with the sexy line “If you want to kiss the sky, better learn how to kneel. On your knees, boy.” It showed me that even U2 can rock sexiness sometimes)

20. Closer - NIN (Might be an easy choice but still, it kinda says it all)

Famous People Devoid of Soul

Something is just missing.
Some might call it heartless.
Or deeply chilly.

Again, feel free to send me some add ons:

1. Nicole Kidman (the epitome...I'm not saying she's mean or she wouldn't be nice to have tea with. I'm just saying "hello, hello, hello..is there anybody in there?")

2. Jennifer Connoly (she may be made of ice and dust...I don't know).

3. Tom Cruise (He can smile all he wants but he's actually an alien or a droid or something.)

4. Queen of England (But she's actually supposed to be like that. She makes soulless an art form.)

5. Catherine Zeta-Jones (If you cut her, something like mercury would spill out.)

6. Halle Barry (you can be too pretty)