Silly Lists of Nothingness

My Top Ten Netflix Streaming Suggestions

2012-01-21T09:13:00.000-08:00

It doesn't take much to excite me at this point of the winter. It's cold, dreary and desolate at the Jersey shore and I wear pajamas and my "suicide robe" (as I affectionately call it) entirely too much. Teeth are brushed only if they're lucky. And one day last week, I actually watched dust settle. I swear.

BUT Netflix has been quite enjoyable. I don't have cable television. My TV is my computer now. And thanks to all the great shows and movies available, I can be entertained by something other than taking out the trash.

The following list contains shows that can all be streamed. No DVD needed!

1. Wire in the Blood

Wire in the Blood is one of the finest criminal investigations dramas I've seen (and trust me, I watch a lot of them). Psychologist Dr. Tony Hill (played by the amazing Robson Green) is teamed up with a tough female detective to track down serial killers. (After watching this series, you'll think that the UK is just teeming with them, when in actuality, they are a rarity.)

The acting is what really makes this show standout. Robson Green's character truly immerses himself in the mind of each serial killer, so we really get a deep sense of their inner workings. Each show is more like a mini well-crafted movie. (Apparently this lead to the program's demise; they consistently went over budget.)

(Beware: this show is not for the meek at heart; there is seriously disturbing content in some episodes.)

2. The Guardian

^{My boyfriend Simon Baker. Shh...he doesn't know yet!}

I never heard about this show, nor had I seen Simon Baker in The Mentalist (which, after viewing recently, isn't even in the same league as The Guardian). But after one episode, I was hooked. It's a smart premise, ripe with possibility: a cocky, coke-addicted corporate lawyer is busted on a drug charge. His punishment: serve 1500 hours as a child advocate at a legal aid service.

Nick Fallin becomes incrementally more human and vulnerable with each touching case. I'm not sure how he didn't win an award for his performance. His portrayal is extremely subtle but resonant. And Dabney Coleman, as his father, is wonderful as always.

The stand-out supporting actor in the series is Raphael Sbarge, Nick's good-natured associate. His portrayal of a man deeply struggling with his sexuality is poignant and complex. Wendy Moniz as Nick's love interest is damn cute and likable.

3. Trust

Directed by David Schwimmer of Friends fame, I did not expect much from this movie. But it's smooth, taut and genuinely spooky. It follows a teenage girl's seduction by a middle-aged Internet predator and the affects it has on her family after she's assaulted by him.

The teenage girl (played by Liana Liberato) is spot on; you couldn't ask for a more well-crafted performance of a girl her age. And Clive Owen and Catherine Keener as the parents wrestling with the aftermath are both in top form.

David Schwimmer...who would have thunk, right?

4. The Guilty

_{The Guilty actor Michael Kitchen, my other new boyfriend. (Don't tell Simon.)}

The Brits just do television and film a bit better. It's true, admit it. Sure their production value often lags behind ours (why does everything they do look it's shot in the 80's?), but they make up for it with superb nuanced acting, better comedic abilities, and a certain "regularness" to their characters (meaning they don't look like supermodels so are therefore more relatable.)

I won't say much about this two-part TV show because it would be too easy to give aspects of it away. In short, three wildly different people's lives collide in a rather catastrophic way. Very worth the watch.

5. Mystery Science Theater 3000

I'm guessing most of us have watched this "guilty pleasure" show in the past, where three critics mercilessly rip apart B-movies of yore. I find it the perfect recipe if you're sick and in bed or a low-key party where weed is involved. It's just the right amount of mindless entertainment.

I was going to suggest Mitchell, one of my personal favorites, but you have to order the DVD for that one. Manos: the Hands of Fate is in the process of being remastered, so you might to check out that eternal crowd pleaser.

And here's a best of list I found that's pretty on point. Make sure you check out the list - not all MST3K episodes are created equal.

(I generally fast forward through the opening and the show hosts comedic bits in between; they're just not that funny.)

(Mitchell! Forward to 5:15, past the unfunny.)

6. Law & Order - The Whole Lot of Them

I used to be preferential to only early Law & Order (the original) and Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. But the truth is, they are all good in their own right (though I confess, I never have seen or plan on seeing the court room drama one).

I also used to avidly dislike Law & Order: Criminal Intent because I have such a love/hate issue with Vincent D'onofrio. But guess what? At this point of the year, I love him again. He's really an amazing actor; he's just annoying sometimes.

But Law & Order SVU is professionalism to the nth degree. A well-oiled machine. Dick Wolf and and his gang just know how to put a TV show together, formulaic as it may be. Can't stop watching the damn shows. It's the Pringles of television.

7. Goodbye Again

I'm not sure how I stumbled across this movie, but thoroughly enjoyed it. Interestingly, it's not very well-reviewed and I'm not sure why. Anthony Perkins is so energetic and endearing in his portrayal (almost a shame he's so inextricably connected in our minds with Psycho).

And I'll tell you a secret: I never understood why Ingrid Bergman is considered a good actress. She always felt a bit...flat to me. But in this movie, I got it. She's very understated in her approach, which I mistook.

In short, Anthony Perkin's character, in his 20's, falls hard for Bergman's character, in her 40's and unhappily involved. Bergman begins to have feelings for him, which she's conflicted about.

A sweet Sunday afternoon watch.

8. Charmed (The Shannen Doherty years)

Laugh if you must, but I'm a big Charmed fan. I don't know why. Why does one like cupcakes or skinny menthol cigarettes?

Do I have to explain the plot? Okay, it's about three witches who have high-level supernatural abilities. They team up to fight crime, evil, blah, blah, blah.

As you may have noted, I suggest the early years only. Once Prue dies, the show goes to pot. Alyssa Milano wears ridiculous outfits where you're forced to look at her well-trained abs for a half hour. And Rose McGowan just does not have the cajones that Doherty had. (Doherty played a witch for a very good reason...and you can guess what that is.)

9. Behaving Badly

Suggested to me by Open Salon's mumbletypeg after writing my last piece about proudly releasing your inner bitch, this mini-series is fun and unusual.

Judi Dench plays a woman who has hit a certain limit in her life and begins to act out in "strange" ways. I don't want to give away much more than that, but her portrayal is contained yet daring. She weaves so much class into her bitchiness. My bitch is much more sophisticated after watching her bitch.

Production value is lacking a bit, but again, it's streaming and available; I don't care as much if I'm not in a theater or ordering a DVD.

10: I Know Where I'm Going

_{Not the lead actress, but a thoroughly enchanting supporting role by Pamela Brown}

Damnit...so angry! This isn't available for streaming anymore. But this was definitely one of my favorite finds so I just had to add it. This is an adorable, magical little movie filmed entirely in Scotland.

It follows headstrong Joan Webster (actress Wendy Hiller) who knows exactly what she wants in life, until she's stranded in a rugged Scottish village by the sea. It's there she begins to re-evaluate her decisions.

Okay, so you'll have to order this one then. There are bonus features on it apparently. And you can tell me all about them. Just loved this slightly surreal, special film.

So there you go. Have to get going. The mailman is coming by soon and I want to gussy up for his visit.

(Also want to tip my virtual hat to Monsieur Chariot, who writes amazing and entertaining reviews for Open Salon and inspired me to try my hand at it.)

OPEN SALON MEMBERS CHIME IN:

The Top 10 "Don't Date" Professions

2012-01-18T18:01:00.001-08:00

You felt your heart sink a little when he said he was a poet. Your stomach turned when he said he was going on tour with his metal band. You chuckled inwardly when he told you he teaches spin class.

While the ladies at Silly Lists of Nothingness refrain from making sweeping generalizations, we still know red flags when we see them.

Stand-up Comedians
Worst: The drunk, angry ones
Best: The angry ones

Wordsmiths
Worst: Tie! Fiction writer and Poet....no, poets are the worst.
Best: Web content for faceless corporations

Photographers
Worst: Photojournalists (long story but ask Ruby at rubyt@gmail.com)
Best: Event Photographer (weddings, bar mitvahs, pet portraiture, etc)

Musicians
Worst: Tie! Touring rock star and jazz musician with suspicious marks on arm
Best: Studio

Food Industry
Worst: Anyone called "Chef" or "Culinary Master"
Best: Short order cook in a 50's style cafe in the Midwest wearing a white t-shirt that smells of blue sky and manhood

Actors
Worst: Actors
Best: Non-actors.

Butchers
Best: Cute deli department guy
Worst: Ted Bundy

Presidents
Best: President of a remote tropical island, where mai tais reign supreme
Worst: All of the rest

Race car Drivers
Best: The really slow ones, with nothing to prove
Worst: The fast ones with bad eyesight

Doctors
Best: The Love doctor, baby...and he's in!
Worst: Plastic surgeons

Conductors
Best: The choo-choo train kind, with the cute hats
Worst: The cocky ones with batons and tempers

Professional Athletes
Best: Pro badminton coach
Worst: All of the rest

Men of the Sea
Best: Hot Lifeguard who loves giving mouth-to-mouth
Worst: Shark "expert"

Jockey
Best: Horse
Worst: Disc

Candlestick Maker
Worst: (Yes, we have two worsts for this category): Hippie drop-out living in Santa Cruz
Worst: A ghost of yore (because dating the dead has built-in limitations.)

7 Things I'm Suprised I DON'T Like

2011-12-16T05:13:00.000-08:00

Because of the popularity of our last Open Call, Alysa Salzberg (of Alysa Salzberg fame) and I decided to join forces once again and compose a complimentary list to 7 Things I'm Surprised I Like.

Here goes:

1. Zebras

I love animals. LOVE them. They make me believe in God and everything good. They are pure life and goodness. But for some reason, zebras leave me scratching my head. I just don't...get them. Are they horses? What do they do?

2. Billie Holiday

I should so love Lady Day. She sings with that world weary pathos that should emotionally resonate with me. But ugh...that swoopy, dippy voice. Frankly, I've never understood why she's even known as a good singer. (I know - blasphemy.)

3. Champagne

I love booze! We go way back. I've visited the Champagne region in France and drank some of the best in the world. And I like celebratory drinks, where glasses go clink. But I do not like champagne. Just says headache to me.

4. My One Friend who Shall Remain Nameless

She's been my friend for a long time. But she doesn't listen all that well. And whenever I do get the chance to tell her what's going on with me, I feel like she judges me on this very subtle level. So when I get off the phone with her, I always feel crappy.

It's really hard to pinpoint what she does that's so bothersome; its more this vague feeling of disapproval or condesension. Then sometimes I think its me and not her. So she remains until she does something obvious.

5. Snowboarding

(above) Not me.

Because I surf, people enthusiastically push snowboarding on me. "You'll love it! It's just like surfing." No, I won't. It's just not my sport. I picked my sports and its not one of them.

6. Mad Men

I love good television. It really inspires me. And I know Mad Men is supposed to be "great" or whatever. But I never plan on watching it. It's just too pretty and I have a feeling it will annoy me for some reason.

As Alysa points out in her comments, I have a feeling the misogyny quotient would be too high for me to overlook (and trust me, I have to overlook it a lot in many television shows and movies.)

7. Theater

Oh god strike me down for this: I hate theater! And guess what? I studied it at a university for years. I'm a trained actor. But if you want to see me slip into a protective comatose state, put me in a cramped, hot theater with a play that is entirely too long. That says hell to me.

Plus theater has sucked for a long, long time. It's an empty art at this point. It's too constrained and sanitized. When I'm forced to go, I treat it like a good deed - like giving blood or going to church or something. But the whole time, I'm dying a million deaths.

!!BONUS DISLIKE BASED ON ALYSA'S LIST!!

8. Seinfeld

I should love it. It broke the mold, comedically speaking. I know funny pretty damn well and everyone thinks the show is funny.

It always seemed a little too dry to me (like Letterman). And Jerry is a crappy actor. And he seems like a dick in real life. If its a show about nothing, then they succeeded.

Now Curb your Entusiasm, I like. It was a bit abrasive at first but it grew on me. The guy is very committed.

Larry David in a great scene from a Woody Allen movie:

7 Things that I'm Surprised I Like

2011-09-19T12:51:00.001-07:00

1. Southern Rock

Musically, I never saw this one coming. Born and raised on 70's pop, I should dislike this kind of macho heavy-handed, long-jam rock whose lyrics can lean toward bigotry and closed-mindedness. But play a little Lynyrd Skynyrd, The Allman Brothers, Marshall Tucker Band or ZZ Top and out of me flies a whiskey drinking cowgirl, ready to throw punches.

2. Car Repair

Weird. I mean, changing a light bulbs gives me pause, so its not like I'm handy. I just love hearing about car repair. Sit me next to an auto mechanic and I'll converse for hours. Perhaps I just like the tidiness of problem solving or bad-ass engines that go vroom, vroom.

3. Chicken Livers

Wild about them. And they're gross. They're gross to look at, grosser to touch. I don't even eat that much meat. But ever since I was a small child, I loved chicken livers. My mother would fry them up in a pan and toss pieces to the pets and me and we'd gobble them down together.

4. Barry Manilow

Okay, I actually have a reason for this one. And it involves LSD.

I dropped some acid with my late, great friend Vicki when we in our teens. We were losing our shit, crawling on train tracks, freaked out by trees, collapsing in maniacal fits of laughter...you know the deal.

When we finally made it back to Vicki's house, we turned on her bedroom radio and the station was playing all Barry Manilow, for some Satanic reason. I sang every word as if I'd known his music my entire life. I was channeling Barry. Vicki watched me, jaw-dropped...and drooling, I think.

Ever since that acid trip, Barry Manilow has meant a lot to me. (How many people get to write that?) And I still know practically every lyric of every song. I've even seen him in concert and booed when he did a medley that included Could it be Magic (my favorite tune) instead of the whole song.

I even like the Take That version...who am I?

5. GYN appointments

Big fan of the gynecologist. They keep my sex life happy and healthy. And I've been blessed by nothing but amazing ones. The first one was from Australia, looking like he walked out of a GQ ad. It added a whole other dimension to the gynecological experience, let me tell you what sisters and brothers.

And then there was Dr. Brandberg, the hippest cat ever. He told me it was alright to smoke cigarettes occasionally. He missed being broke like me, he revealed once, as we sat in his office and shared a smoke, post-exam. His life was less complicated. I told him to give me his money then. He laughed and pulled out his checkbook.

"You have a fine vagina," he would say, mid-exam. "A fine vagina." Yeah, some would be freaked out by this kind of remark, but you had to know him. It was just small talk for him. One of a kind, that crazy doctor.

My latest gynecological wonder? Dr. Trim...that's his name, I kid you not. Warmest hands ever. And he gives me hugs.

6. Martha Stewart

Life is too complicated not to be orderly. ~ Martha Stewart

God, I loathe this woman. And yet...I love her. She's cold, cold as ice. But she's shrewd and ruthless and knows crazy shit about all things domestic. She influences every day of my life: the way I prepare food, make my bed. She even shamed me into washing my sheets more frequently. (She was shocked that some people wait as long as 3 weeks to wash their sheets. I was one of those people. Until Martha.) Her business acumen is over-the-top. She's done time. And she makes souffles.

7. Anal

10 Drummers who Sing Well

2011-04-03T10:23:00.000-07:00

This list came about when my friend Madge (see, Peg, I told you I wouldn't use your real name!) said that there aren't many drummers who sing well. So I spent precious hours last week doing music video "research" instead of working and making money so my friend could see the light.

So here goes, Madge:

1. Phil Collins - Yeah, yeah. I know. He wrote some profoundly crappy tunes. Unfortunately, his career seems overshadowed by them now. But Phil Collins is a ridiculously proficient musician in addition to being a powerful performer. (And don't go there about Peter Gabriel - apples and oranges.)

If you think Phil Collins is a lightweight, watch the last minute of this video.

Well, like Don Henley, I can sing from behind the drums, but it just looks so shitty. That's why you don't get many singing drummers now. And I never wanted to be a singer. When Peter left Genesis and we couldn't find another singer, I drew the short straw. So, in many ways, my career happened by accident. I just wanted to be a drummer. - Phil Collins

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2. Andy Sturmer, Jellyfish

(Not the best quality video, but shows off Sturmer's skills well.)

Some of you may not be familiar with the 90's band Jellyfish. If so, go out and buy their work, essential for any decent music collection. Jellyfish composed lush little power pop symphonies that are candy to the ears. Andy Sturmer, lead singer and drummer, was extra cool because he stood while playing drums.

Here's some cleaner audio of Jellyfish.

Listen!

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3. Don Henley, The Eagles

The Eagles get a bad rap sometimes and I'm never sure why. There's even an "I Hate the Eagles" Facebook page. They're considered too cookie cutter or bland, I suppose. But they have some of the tightest harmonies in rock and Don Henley's voice, to me, is very comforting and familiar, like old jeans.

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4. Stan Lynch, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Stan was a little younger than us. But he was a very good drummer and he was really conscientious, and he worked really hard. And he sang as well. He sang harmony. He was a powerhouse onstage. He was so powerful I used to say he had this fifth gear that he could go into and just really make everything explode

- Tom Petty

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5. Levon Helm (The Band, etc.)

Some consider Levon Helm a national treasure. He could easily make my list of "Musicians who Didn't Suck as they got Older."

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6. Karen Carpenter, The Carpenters

Most people don't know that Karen Carpenter was an accomplished drummer, placing first in Playboy's reader poll for Best Rock Drummer of 1975.

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7. Peter Rivera, Rare Earth

What a gem of a video, right?

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8. Kelly Keagy, Night Ranger

Kelly Keagy was a last-minute addition, but the more I watched him, the more I realized how he rightfully belongs on this list.
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9. Sheila E

Watch her go off at 1:20.

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10. Don Brewer, Grand Funk Railroad

Saving my best unearthed video for last. This is what you call rock.

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Okay, now you'll remind me of several key drummer/singers that I missed. Musicians such as:

Dave Grohl. (He didn't drum and sing together all that often.)
Ringo? (He doesn't sing all that well, really.)
Mickey Dolenz from The Monkees? (Nice voice, not much of a drummer though.)

I'll stand corrected if you mention:

Buddy Miles
Peter Criss, Kiss
Roger Taylor, Queen
Meg White, White Stripes
Robert Wyatt, Soft Machine

The 15 Sexiest Father Figures of All Time

2010-11-14T10:57:00.000-08:00

Who's your daddy? If you're lucky, it would be any of these sexy paternal types:

1. Atticus Finch:

Daddy personified, I'd like to forcibly remove Scout out of this porch scene and replace her with a 43-year old me.

2. Pa Ingalls

I've heard rumors that Michael Landon was a bit of a hard-ass grouch in person but on LHOP (as people in the biz call it) he was the all-knowing and all-understanding Pa Ingalls with plain, good old fashioned advice meant to shape your life forevermore.

3. Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ:

He understands. And he's got really warm hands.

4. Max Von Sydow

Picture says it all.

5. Donald Sutherland:

I've been crushing on Donald Sutherland since I was a kid. Once in New York City, a woman walked by Ruby and I, wearing a t-shirt that simply read "Donald Sutherland." Who wears a shirt with just an actor's name in iron-on felt letters on it?

We found this strange but somehow, since it was Donald Sutherland, we understood.

6. Gandolph

Magical dads with long beards are sexy and cool.

7. My old boyfriend Richard Lee

8. Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights:

9. William Faulkner

That wacky dad that you always secretly craved.

10. Nat King Cole

Just the name screams sexy dad type. The voice and kind, easy-going demeanor add to overall paternal bliss.

11. Darth Vadar:

If you're in the market for an all-around scary bad-ass of a dad. Nobody will be beating you up at school, that's for sure.

12. Tommy Lee Jones

Stern but fair. Loud but loving.

13. My Dad

14. The song "Father Figure":

Thanks to following Open Salon and Facebook folks for contributions and suggestions:

Ruby Lawrence, Sandy Schulman, Ralph Riggliadez, Angela Freeman Tiene, Anthony Revelas, Erin Cutili, Karen Reb Rudel,Douglas Mann, Sir Steve Blevins, Bobby Jean Gallagher, Scottie Chapman, Connie Mack, Cherie Siebert, Janet Scheffler, Sheila Smigel and Odette Roulette.

And Odette Roulette, this bonus father figure is for you, a longtime proponent of the sexiness that was Hugh Beaumont:

Hello, Odette. I'm Hugh Beaumont, your fictional father. Now go to your room.

Men you Forgot were Hot

2010-04-22T09:03:00.000-07:00

The scientists at Silly Lists of Nothingness have been plugging tirelessly away at yet another ridiculous list for your review. This week, Dr. Ruby Lawrence and Dr. Beth Mann spent nearly two hours in the lab, dissecting photographs of hot men in the name of science.

Now, we're not talking about your garden variety Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise. This list include hotties you may forgotten - overlooked hotties, if you will - as well as historical hotties you didn't know existed in the first place.

Young Chris Walken - interplanetary hottie:

The late, great and undeniably hot Cleavon Little
(one of Dr. Mann's personal faves):

"Excuse me while I whip this out." - Blazing Saddles

Harry Houdini - magical hottie:

Jesse James - young, punk-ass hottie:

Kevin Kline - classic hottie:

Lord Byron - poetic hottie:

Kirk Douglas (Dr. Lawrence made me put him on the list):

Robert Powell as Jesus - this man still looks amazing:

Nathan Hale - still rocking it, even in bronze:

"I only regret that I have but one life to lose
for my country."

John Larroquette - cozy hottie:

Chuck Woolery:

Frank Langella as Dracula (maybe not the best
Dracula, but the hottest):

Larry Hagman, the early days - steely-eyed hottie:

Franz Schubert, pre-pudge:

Malcolm X - with a name like that, you have to be a little hot:

Oscar Wilde:

"It is better to be beautiful than to be good.
But... it is better to be good than to be ugly."

Yul Brenner:

The historically unimportant but undeniably
hot Colonel George Coussmaker. (Who?)

John Cassavetes - old-school New York style hottie:

Louis XIV - pre-syphilis, sporting an early
heavy metal look...literally:

Telly Savalas:

Tyrone Power, later years:

Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill - monetary hottie:

Donald Sutherland:

Malcolm McDowell:

(above one of the sexiest pictures taken of an actor ever, in
Dr. Mann's opinion.)

The Old Spice Guy - for overall hotness and comic timing:

Thanks to Susan Mihalic and FB's Historical Hotties for input!

Dr. Mann and Dr. Lawrence, busy at work. Shhh...they're
trying to concentrate.

Crimes Against Rock - Part 1

2010-01-23T09:52:00.000-08:00

I recently received a professional invitation by the staff at the Rock and Roll Hall of Shame and Open Salon's MJWycha to partake in their latest list.

We spent long and hazardous hours exposed to tunes that are considered crimes committed against rock. This includes good bands gone band and bad bands that got...badder.

There were so many rock and roll trainwrecks we uncovered that we needed to come up with TWO lists.

Check out MJWycha 's Crime Against Rock - Part 2 when you're done.

MJ listens to musical crimes, shocked and aghast, while Beth contemplates rock and roll justice.

COURT IS NOW IN SESSION!!!

CRIME: Working for the Weekend – Loverboy
Verdict: Hung Jury

Loverboy - Turn me Loose

Beth: Loverboy gets a bad rap and I’m never quite sure why. Sure, Working for the Weekend kinda sucks. But Turn me Loose is a solid tune with a classic rock opening and showcases Reno’s very impressive voice and range. When it’s Over – good tune. The Kid is Hot Tonite - same.

It’s the outfits that are clouding your decision, MJ. While I’m focusing on the band, you’re focusing on the headband.

MJ: This song is a hideous crime for sure, but actually liking this douchey band is an even bigger crime- therefore it is my esteemed colleague, Ms. Mann, who is truly guilty. GUILTY!

***GAVEL SLAMS. QUIET! QUIET IN THE COURTROOM***

CRIME: Muskrat Love—America
VERDICT: Guilty!

(This should never be the inspiration for a love song.)

MJ: Right here was the moment when the 70’s Alan Alda “sensitive man” thing went too far. Anthropomorphism run amok, like some nightmarish Disney pornography:

"And now he's ticklin' her fancy,
Rubbin' her toes
Muzzle to muzzle
Now anything goes
As they wriggle
and Sue starts to giggle."

Egads. Lay off the ‘shrooms dudes. It’s wasn’t love and romance you saw on that canoe trip. It was muskrats fucking in a lake.

Beth: In full agreement. And I like America. They had some beautiful tunes. Ventura Highway, for instance.

What's that movement called where people dress up as animals and go to conventions? The Furry Movement, I think it's called. It's actually quite big...and strange. Well, I think Muskrat Love started it all.

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CRIME: Hip to Be Square—Huey Lewis and the News
VERDICT: Guilty!

Beth: No, it's not. It's hip for them to be square, in their own heads. They are just trying to justify their total lack of coolness with this teeth-grating tune.

But then again, I have it out for Huey Lewis. That duet he did with Gwyneth Paltrow is what they play in the depths of Hell, I'm sure. Huey Lewis was meant to play golf and sip Scotch at some country club, not play rock.

MJ: This is quite possibly the most unrock n roll song ever. Mr. Lewis sings to the glory of exercising, eating right, and getting a haircut. Excuse me while I tie my hair in a ponytail, eat a cheeseburger, chain smoke and drink Jager 'til I puke away the memory of this lame-ass song.

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CRIME: We Built This City - Starship
VERDICT: Guilty!

MJ: The de-evolution of Jefferson Airplane to Starship is one of the most tragic stories in rock history. This is an example of what happens when the most talented members of a band leave. Actually everyone left. Except Slick. Oh, Grace what happened? At least Hot Tuna rules!

Beth: Well, I must concur with the honorable MJ. This song is considered a classic Crime Against Rock. Who am I to question the ways of so many others before me who consider this one of the worst songs ever?

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CRIME: Sussudio - Phil Collins
VERDICT: Hung Jury

MJ: A lot of intelligent people seem to like Phil Collins. A lot of intelligent people conveniently pretend this song never happened. Bottom line: Phil Collin's fans have major denial issues. And what exactly is a Sussudio anyway?

Beth: Sussudio sucks. T-shirts should be made. And unfortunately, I think this song did some damage to Phil Collins and his reputation. And that's what I object to!!

(MURMERS, MURMERS)

Phil Collins is one of the best musicians of our time. (And don't make the Peter Gabriel comparison - apples and oranges, my friend.) His work can seem too poppy to many but that shouldn't take away from his bold and bright sound. He sings from the heart too.

But yes. He's just made some critical musical missteps. Oy, and that Disney crap. Okay, okay...I agree. GUILTY!

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CRIME: Elton John - Since the 80s
VERDICT: Hung Jury

Beth: Well, it's hard for me to talk smack about Elton. He's one of my favorite artists of all time. And he had some semi-decent tunes in the 80's such as Empty Garden and Mama Can't Buy you Love - not like his early days though.

I don't know what happens that makes these really talented guys go down such a lame-o route as they get older. Makes me want to do another list, entitled "The Only Seven Musical Artists that Didn't Suck as They Got Older". (And no, MJ - it would NOT include Dylan, especially after the Christmas album debacle. A dying Kermit the Frog could outsing him.

MJ: He wondered why they called it the blues. Sigh. Only a guy as lilly-white as Elton John would ruminate on the nature of the blues in a song approximating the same relationship to the blues as a Celene Dion song.

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CRIME: Werewolves of London - Warren Zevon
VERDICT: Hung Jury

MJ: I strenuously disagree with my esteemed colleague. No one talks ill of the Zevon around me. "Aaahhooooooo!"

Beth: This song makes me just about as uneasy as The Girl from Ipanema (because I always think there's a creepy, breathy pervert nearby.) Call me crazy, but I like my songs howl-free. Maybe he should go to one of those Furry Conventions...oh, he can't. Cuz he's dead. Ouch.

MJ: Objection! I'd like that last comment struck from the record!

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CRIME: Flash Gordon Theme - Queen
VERDICT: Hung Jury

MJ: This soundtrack (and the accompanying movie) is the equivalent of an 8-ball: cheap, a hell of a lot of fun but not good for you at all. Oh, and it's also against the law.

Beth: Not sure where you procure these "cheap"8-balls (perhaps we should talk after court?)

I don't mind the soundtrack and don't consider this a crime at all. Listen to it loudly and I'm sure you'll be impressed by the awesome production value. It's also a fun song. They know they're creating a larger-than-life superhero tune. It's supposed to kitschy and over-the-top. Now Radio Ga-ga or Body Language...well, that's another story.

Check out MJWycha's Crimes Against Rock, Part Deux for more headbangers (and not in that cool, rock and roll sort of way.)

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(Phil Collins sucking.)

(Phil Collins sucking again with Eric Clapton)

(Queen being cool with being uncool.)

(Elton when he was king.)

(Al Pacino thinks you're out of order! This whole damn court is out of order!)

Strange Expressions that make you go WTF?

2009-12-10T10:09:00.000-08:00

WITH NEW ADDITIONS!

Our next installation of Silly Lists of Nothingness includes perplexing phrases that never really made sense. Sure, they probably stem from the Middle Ages or whatever - but the point is, we're still baffled.

And no, we don't want any explanations, thank you. We prefer to remain in the dark (an expression we do understand.)

Eat your heart out.
(A little over the top in the gore department, wouldn't you say?)

You can call me anything but don't call me late for dinner.
(I've been mulling over this one for decades - still drawing a blank.)

Revenge is a dish best served cold.
(But it's not a dish. It's revenge. It's not meatloaf.)

Shiver me timbers.
(Confounding on several levels.)

Let's bury the hatchet.
(Where? And why has an argument gotten so bad that hatchets are involved?)

That sets my teeth on edge.
(Humanly impossible. And just strange.)

Losing my religion.
(The only decent REM song, at least.)

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
(What? What bird? What hand? What bush? Why?)

He bought the farm and other expressions about dying.
(These include "Kicking the bucket" and "Biting the dust.")

Go fly a kite.
(I guess this is a very lite version of "Go f&%k yourself.")

Tripping the light fantastic.
(One of my favorite expressions! It sounds magical. But I have no clue what it means.)

I'll show you what for.
(Please do.)

By the skin of my teeth.
(Perplexing...and a little gross.)

Living high on the hog.
(Sure, I've experimented with my share of drugs but...)

Snug as a bug in a rug.
(Ew.)

Keep your nose clean.
(I can see this expression working with dogs, perhaps. Or coke addicts.)

I have a bone to pick with you.
(What are we, vultures?)

Happy as a clam.
(Though actually, I'm not one to debate the contentment level of a mollusk so who knows? Do they not laugh in their own special way? Do they not feel pain?)

Warms the cockles of my heart.
(There's the aorta, ventricles, an atrium or two...no cockles. No warmed cockles.)

You can't have your cake and eat it too.
(Why not? Stop with the head games, already! It's cake.)

I'll be a monkey's uncle.
(No you won't.)

Ollie, ollie oxen free.
(I don't even know what to say about this one - but I'm glad the oxen are free, at least.)

Please feel free to send us your strangest expressions.

Thanks to Laura and Ruby and Gracielou and Dennis and Fishing Fool and Lonnie Lazar and Little Willie and Pierre Raul and other OS members for their contributions.

18 Things that are Wonderfully Awful

2009-11-15T11:18:00.000-08:00

You love it, you hate it. You love it and hate it at the same moment.

1. Arugula
2. Cough Syrup
3. Pain
4. Funions
5. The Truth
6. Public Access Television
7. Cigarettes
8. Watching Someone Slip & Fall
9. Being Tickled
10. Bill Clinton
11. Scotch
12. Lifetime Movie Events
13. Splinter Removal
14. Wasabi
15. GYN Exams

Some Open Salon Additions:

16. Listerine (thanks Meander61)
17. Itches and Accompanying Scratch (Ms. Lea Lane)
18. Kids (by 1_Irritated_Mother)

List compiled by Dr. Beth Mann and Dame Ruby Lawrence

The Sexiest Men in Rock & Roll - A Scientific Study

2009-10-31T07:37:00.000-07:00

"You want this."

Some think sexiness is in the eye of the beholder. But is it? Here at Silly Lists of Nothingness, we say its an exacting science that can be proved in labs with women in white coats using complex formulas that are beyond you, so don't worry pretty little head.

This isn't a case of "I think he's hot" as much as this guy is definitely hot - like, scientifically. These guys work it and they own it. We also threw in a few hot rock stars that are non-traditionally sexy but radiate that sexy vibe, which means there's hope for us all.

Here's the criteria which lead us to our findings:

They ooze sexiness. They know they're sexy and show it off. They're cocky, sometimes literally.

They look good in tight pants.

They look good in tight pants.

The Top Ten Hottest Men in Rock

1. Jim Morrison

Topping our list is the Lizard King himself. Jim Morrison stands heads and shoulders above the rest, according to our esteemed panel. In fact, he sets the standard for the rest of the list. The man oozes sexiness, from his leather pants to his pouty lips. He even passes out on stage sexy. Not everyone can pull that off.

2. Sting (The Early Days)

Young Sting was a HOTTIE. Tantric sex Sting of today is a little too rich and self-involved, not like the lean and hungry Sting of yesteryear. Just the video for "Don't Stand so Close to Me" alone created lifelong English teacher fantasies for women worldwide.

3. Jared Leto

"Big ego, maybe...but I'm smoking. Just try to deny me."

4. Michael Hutchence of INXS

"I'm feeling cocky....can't you tell?"

5. Rod Stewart (Early Days)

"I plan on fucking a lot. I mean, a lot, a lot."

6. Trent Reznor

"I want to fuck you like an animal."
Likewise, I'm sure.

7. Mick Jagger

"Please...this list was invented for me."

8. Robert Plant

"Yeah, right, Jagger."

9. Elvis Presley

"Easy, boys. I clearly started the whole thing."

10. Billy Squier

"Stroke me."

11. Freddie Mercury

"I'm non-traditionally sexy but I got "it" in spades."

12. Chris Cornell

"I don't know why I'm here."

(Cornell wasn't going to make the list but as our team of scientists reviewed more photos, it was decided amongst our team that he would "not be thrown out of bed for eating crackers" as Dr. Lanci put it.)

13. Prince

"Bitch please. I should be number one."

14. David Lee Roth

"Need I say more?"

The People You'll Say Should Have Made the List and Why They Didn't

...scientifically:

1. David Bowie - While he is elegant, stylish and charming, he isn't sexy per se. He's got a little bit of an alien element to him as well which isn't sexy, at least on this planet.

2. Jon Bon Jovi - First off, we did say "rock." And Jon Bon Jovi is good-looking - no doubt. But not sexy. He's kinda cookie cutter good-looking, like a Ken doll.

3. Jeff Buckley - He's a little too poetic and sad to be "rock out with his cock out," as Dr. Lawrence so aptly put it.

4. Kurt Cobain - Raw beauty indeed - but too damaged to be sexy.

5. Skidrow's Sebastian Bach - A little too pretty for his own good.

6. Chris Isaak - Good-looking in a 50's sort of way, but not sexy.

7. Bruce Springsteen - Earthy, gritty...but not sexy. (Though the album cover with his ass on it is a step in the right direction.)

8. Steven Tyler - Sequestered to this list due to poor online imagery.

"This isn't fair."

Thanks to my esteemed colleagues, Dr. Beth Mann, Dr. Ruby Lawrence and Dr. April Lanci-Leseur, whose level of professionalism is remarkable and most importantly, scientific:

"Leave the science to us."

(And Candy, you're always number one on my list.)

Famous Fights that Never Happened - Sinatra versus Cash

2009-10-22T07:19:00.000-07:00

The Rules:

1. Two celebrities face-off in an imaginary fight.
2. Both are in their prime.
3. No weapons can be used.

Let's start the match, shall we?

In this corner, standing at 5'8, is Frank Sinatra.

Points in Sinatra's Favor:

Sinatra was expelled from high school at 15 for rowdiness.

His father, Martin, was an illiterate former prizefighter and fireman.

Frank's dying words were "I'm losing" implying that even death was as a fight to him.

Sinatra has a highly unpredictable temper. According to one source:

"Though his temper was excessive, Sinatra was known for going from extremely angry to somewhat amused in a matter of seconds. In one incident he dumped hot coffee on a casino manager named Carl Cohen, who had somehow gotten on the singer's wrong side. Cohen responded by punching Sinatra in the face, knocking out his front teeth. Sinatra than concluded, as he later told a friend, "never fight a Jew in the desert."

"For all of his life Sinatra had a very unpredictable temper, often screaming at reporters and getting in fights. In one particularly violent tantrum he ripped a phone out of the wall of his hotel room, broke the windows, and then set it on fire."

Sinatra had endurance:

"Dean and Sammy, they couldn't hang," says Hank Cattaneo, Sinatra's concert production manager for the past 20 years. "They weren't in shape for it. After a half-hour, Dean would say, 'I gotta go to bed,' and then Sammy would say, 'Please, let me go too.' But the old man loved to hang, loved to talk and tell stories."

Sinatra's favorite passion was prizefighting and was a "close friend" of Tami Mauriello, a heavyweight contender in 1943.

A series of recent brawling incidents had been widely covered in the media on the night in 1957 when Sinatra and some of his Rat Pack pals dropped in on the act of insult comedian Don Rickles at a Hollywood club. Rickles, who spared no one during his act, immediately ad libbed: "Here's Frank Sinatra. Make yourself at home, Frank. Hit somebody." After an awed silence, broken only by a few titters on the floor, Sinatra laughed with gusto and the tension was broken.

The Mob Connection - if Sinatra didn't win the fight, Cash would be swimming with the fishes. You don't disrespect Sinatra by kicking his ass.

Points working against Sinatra:

He's a crooner and crooners aren't natural fighters.
He's dead, making fights a challenge, overall.

In this corner, standing at 6'2 is Johnny Cash:

Points working in Cash's Favor:

Cash may be a little cold-blooded with lyrics like:
"I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die."
Johnny had hard times in his blood: "Johnny Cash was born in rural, south-central Arkansas, on February 26, 1932." Ouch. That's got to hurt.

Cash was of Scottish descent and Scots can be badasses occasionally.

Cash was Southern and Southern people like to kick ass.

Cash was high and high people are unpredictable with drug-induced superhuman strength:

"As his career was taking off in the early 1960s, Cash started drinking heavily and became addicted to amphetamines and barbiturates. For a brief time, he shared an apartment in Nashville with Waylon Jennings, who was heavily addicted to amphetamines. Cash used the uppers to stay awake during tours. Friends joked about his and erratic behavior, many ignoring the warning signs of his worsening drug addiction. In a behind-the-scenes look at The Johnny Cash Show, Cash claims to have "tried every drug there was to try."

Cash often said fuck you to the man:

"In June 1965, his truck caught fire due to an overheated wheel bearing, triggering a forest fire that burned several hundred acres in Los Padres National Forest in California. When the judge asked Cash why he did it, Cash said, "I didn't do it, my truck did, and it's dead, so you can't question it." The fire destroyed 508 acres, burning the foliage off three mountains and killing 49 of the refuge's 53 endangered condors. Cash was unrepentant: "I don't care about your damn yellow buzzards."

During a live performance of Kris Kristofferson's "Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down", Cash refused to change the lyrics to suit network executives, singing the song with its references to marijuana intact: "On a Sunday morning sidewalk / I'm wishin', Lord, that I was stoned."

Points working against Cash:

He's a Pisces and Pisces can be real wusses.
He too is dead, which makes fights more of a challenge.
He posed like he did time in the slammer but he didn't really.

"Although Cash carefully cultivated a romantic outlaw image, he never served a prison sentence. Despite landing in jail seven times for misdemeanors, each stay lasted only a single night."

And the winner is?

FRANK SINATRA!

We believe from extensive research that whilst Cash was bigger and a badass in his own right, Sinatra is ruthless and soulless with brawling in his blood. We also believe that even though no weapons are to be used, Frank would disregard this rule and slice Cash before he knew what hit him.

Tune in next week when our Celebrity Fist Fight includes:

Steve Perry and Kate Bush

Thanks to Ms. Ruby Lawrence for her contributions.

24 People Who Look Like they Sound

2009-09-02T16:09:00.000-07:00

This week's Silly List of Nothingness is composed of people (and some non-people) who look like they're supposed to. They were named correctly. You look at them and say, "Yep, that sounds about right."

Contributions by Ms. Ruby Lawrence.

1. Bob Seger

2. Margaret Thatcher

3. Abraham Lincoln (I'm not sure why he's on a 2 seater bike with a scary beaver peaking under his longcoat but regardless, the name "Abraham Lincoln" fits the bill.)

4. Vlad the Impaler - a practical name that says what it does. Clever! Jack the Ripper, Conan the Barbarian and Ivan the Terrible, hats off to you!

5. Julius Caeser - a heavyweight name for a heavyweight guy. The name says, "I'm not messing around. I'm Julius Caesar damnit."

6. Monkeys

7. Barbra Streisand (of course she spells Barbara differently. Of course. Diva.)

8. Liverwurst (aka "braunschweiger")

9. Maggots - what else would you call them? "Worms" doesn't quite cut it.

10. Gerard Depardieu

11. The Hell's Angels (Fuzzy Love Bunnies on Wheels was their second choice.)

12. Doris Day - when she's not sniffing roses, she's huffing glue. I swear.

13. Marlboros - They ain't no Virginia Slims.

14. Winston Churchill - I know, I know...TWO prime ministers in one list? But when if the name fits...

15. Mars - an aptly named planet...that's all I'm saying.

16. Nute Rockne - photo says it all.

17. Atilla the Hun

18. Lillies of the Valley

19. Joey Buttafuoco

20. Nellie Oleson from Little House on the Prairie - one of the best characters to grace television. Nellie Oleson IS Nellie Oleson.

21. Edgar Allan Poe (He's no Guy Smiley.)

22. Ernest Borgnine (If you've never seen it, watch Marty, one of the sweetest movies of all time. "But Ma, I'm ugly!")

23. Skunks

24. Pablo Picasso - well, what did you expect with a name like that? Trouble with a paintbrush.

The People Who are Talented but Annoying List

2009-06-11T08:59:00.000-07:00

As I watched Law & Order, Criminal Intent, last night, I thought long and hard about Vincent Donofrio. He's a fine actor. More than fine - he's a very good actor. But he's a little annoying, with his over the top mannerisms and twitchy idiosyncrasies.

I fantasized about directing him in an episode of L & O where I'd eagerly instruct him to bring it down a notch. He wouldn't listen and we'd get into an overblown on-the-set argument. I'd win, even though he'd make me nervous due to his size (he's a kinda big guy) and the volatile temper I imagine him possessing.

Then it got me thinking about other performers who are obviously good but seem to grate my nerves a bit. Not just annoying actors, mind you - there are too many to list. These are annoying but talented celebs.

Some actors are beloved, right? Let's take a...John Ritter or a Matthew Broderick. Just likable people. And talented, no doubt (I loved John Ritter in Sling Blade and Matthew Broderick is a phenomenal actor - one of my faves.)

Some performers are equally as talented - but just not as likable, for whatever reason:

The Boys:

Jeremy Piven

Richard Dreyfuss

Vincent D'ononfrio

Billy Bob Thornton

Andy Kaufman

Nick Cage

Eminem

Robin Williams

Mike Myers

Russel Crow

Moby

Joaquin Phoenix

Daniel Day Lewis

Ben Stiller

Jimmy Stewart

Bill Murray

John Malkovich

Kenneth Branagh

Orson Welles

Prince

Sigmund Freud

Napoleon

Ralph Fiennes

Phillip Seymour Hoffman

Jim Carey

Jeffrey Koontz

The Girls:

Melanie Griffith/Meg Ryan

Amy Winehouse

Reese Witherspoon

Alicia Keys

Debra Messing

Celine Dion

Juliette Lewis

Greta Garbo

Cynthia Nixon

Barbra Streisand

Marie Curie

Diane Keaton

Tyne Daily

Vivien Leigh

Any others?

Thanks to the well-paid staff at Silly Lists of Nothingness for their contributions (Ruby, Joe, Anthony, Andy and Dea).

Thanks to the writers at Open Salon as well. I'll try to update and revise as suggestions come in.

Juliet suggested Ricky Gervais. He plays really annoying people but isn't really annoying. Still its an excuse to post one of my favorite clips of all time:

13 People Who Ruined it for Everyone Else

2009-05-09T08:40:00.000-07:00

1. Pearl Jam

Eddie Vedder and Pearl Jam started a movement of self-serious, white guy rock that has been dismal and morose and needlessly melodramatic. Because of Pearl Jam, we’ve been forced to listen to the likes of Creed, Puddle of Mudd, Staind, Three Doors Down and a slew of other slacken-face maudlinites.

2. John Wayne

John Wayne’s tough guy, all-American machismo set a "stoicism at all costs" tone for generations. Our fathers and grandfathers emulated him, starting a chain of emotionally constipated men who pride themselves in their ability to restrain, like good little cowboys.

3. Later Elton John

Later Elton John ruined it for ruined it for earlier Elton John. Later Robert Deniro ruined it for earlier Robert DeNiro and Later Al "Sir Screamsalot" Pacino ruined it for earlier Al Pacino.

4. People who say F#$k Too Much

Fuck is a fine, fine word. But it needs to be used judiciously, sparingly, not all willy-nilly. Use it only in times of extreme anger or hair-pulling sex or if you’re David Mamet.

5. Britney Spears and Christina Aguilara

Britney Spears and Christina Aguilara ruined it for sexiness worldwide. They taught a generation of women that being over-the-top tawdry was the only way to go. Their sell-out "sexiness" became amplified to a cartoonish, grotesque proportion, therefore negating its appeal. Madonna had way more going on.

6. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

Speaking of cartoonish sexiness, when you’re bombarded by images of these two, it’s like eating too many cream-filled donuts. Enough already - they’re preternaturally gorgeous. I find it kind of disturbing, frankly. I think they may be aliens.

7. Mickey Mouse

Evil corporate mouse ruined it for the rest of his cool cartoon counterparts (Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, The Peanuts gang, Pink Panther.)

8. The song “Stand by your Man”

While not a person, a person sang it and generations of women believed that undying loyalty in the face of blatant betrayal and massively unmet needs showcases their doormat-like stick-to-itiveness.

9. Oprah Winfrey

Her sanctimonious manner and mammoth-sized ego ruined it for the likes of talk show hosts everywhere. Oh for the simplicity and intelligence of Phil Donahue/ She also ruined it for a lot of simple housewives who used to have minds of their own. And maybe somehow indirectly spawned the likes of Tyra Banks, who makes me want to light my hair on fire.

10. Sarah McLachlin, et. al.

Ruined it for chick rock in a big way. After her, we had to listen to years of wimpy, weepy, and neutered chick bands with no backbone and no balls. I'm not saying they're all bad per se...they just perpetuated a certain "too softness." Listen to Tori Amos (who is no Kate Bush) then listen to Heart (videos below - and yes, I know Heart hit their sucky phase later on.)

11. Geico Lizard, Spuds McKenzie, et. al.

These corporate creatures ruin it for animals worldwide. As do all the people who say, “Our dog thinks he’s human.” “Our dog is like our baby.” No, your dog is an ANIMAL. Don't make them human. Don’t dress them up, don’t make them sell car insurance or hawk cheap beer. Let them be animals and stop your needy projecting.

In short, it’s not cute when animals talk – it’s weird and unnatural. (Except for Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. That’s different...somehow. And Snoopy. Wait. Snoopy didn’t talk. Neither did the Pink Panther. See?)

12. Radio Morning Shows

Radio morning shows have ruined radio. (So has Clear Channel but that’s a whole other entry.) All radio morning shows suck, across the board. All of them except for Howard Stern in his heyday (think what you want about the man but he was ground breaker.) Morning shows have contributed to the destruction of the radio, which is a tragic thing. The spirit of the radio has been dying for a long, long time.

13. The Sopranos

The Sopranos have ruined it for New Jersey. Now a bunch of wannabes go around, smoking their cigars in their big, fat cars, thinking their sexist, indulgent and tasteless lifestyle is actually cool…and it’s not.

(Listen to the two-minute intro. It's worth it when the song opens up.)

The 26 or 27 Most Annoying Phrases of All Time

2009-03-31T07:45:00.000-07:00

You hear them everyday. And perhaps you utter a few yourself. But they're annoying and need to be stopped. This is a campaign. Climb on board or be left to the sharks.

Thanks to the well-paid staff at Silly Lists of Nothingness for their contributions (Ruby, Joe, Anthony, Andy and Laura)

And as a SPECIAL BONUS, we've also included phrases that even though they are technically annoying, you can still get away with them.

The 26 or 27 Most Annoying Phrases of All Time

Smile.
(Said only to women. What do I look like, your personal wind-up doll?)

Chill Out.
(Surefire way to make me want to bite someone's face off.)

Sweet!
(Frat boys invented this and it needs to die a fiery death.)

It’s all good.
(It's not. It's clearly not.)

Everything happens for a reason.
(Oh, shew. And here I thought it was unadulterated chaos.)

Don’t go there.
(Don't tell me what to do.)

Let's touch base.
(I still say this. But I cut myself when I do.)

Dude…
(Hanging around a bunch of surfers, I hear it constantly. Not your dude. Heard one surfer call his own mother a dude.)

You can’t (fill in the blank)!
(Said by people with teeny amounts of authority. "You can't sit there." Oh yes, I can. I might not be allowed. But I can. I can do anything I want. Watch!)

Could you not (fill in the blank)?
(Generally said by haughty, passive aggressive women.)

No offense but…
(No doubt an offense will directly follow.)

Classy!
(Just like "rock and roll", if you have to say it is, then it isn't so.)

You rock!
(Refer to above.)

Sorry but (fill in the blank)
(Sorry will NEVER go with BUT! Never! One or the other, man, one or the other.)

I’m not going to lie...
(Oh well, bully for you. Guess its my effin' lucky day.)

Um, can we talk?
(Cringing just typing that one out.)

Wait till your father gets home.
(My mother used this on me and it pretty much prematurely aged me a full decade.)

It is what it is.
(Really? Wow, deep.)

Not so much.
(As in: "I love heroin; my wife, not so much.")

Due diligence.
(Up there with "growing your business" and "leveraging.")

Just kiddding!
(Said in creepy, sing-songy way. Reply in same manner: "No you're not cuz it's not funny!")

NSA
(No strings attached - BULLSHIT!)

So what do you do?
(Always annoying when its the first thing out of someone's mouth upon meeting. I like to answer with "Wet myself.")

"You know what you should do?"
("Oh, PRAY tell! My very survival is dependent on it, I'm sure." Andy and I particularly hate this one.)

Well, that's different.
(As in "Well I guess your gonna think for yourself instead of following my path of mediocrity.")

To be honest....
(Usually followed by a blatant lie or a REALLY inconsequential personal factoid. "To be honest, I'd never wear a pair of red shoes at all no matter what season it is.")

Annoying Phrases You can still Get away with:

Smooth!
(Said in raspy voice while inhaling really strong weed or drinking tequila.)

What you talkin’ bout, Willis?
(Timeless classic. Go ahead. Use it today.)

You’re not the boss of me.
(Say it to anyone. Especially the boss of you.)

Bitch, please!
(Like a string of pearls, it goes with anything.)

Don’t tell me what to do.
(Perfect response to “Have a nice day.”)

Oh no you didn’t!
(With accompanying sassy head movement.)

Kiss my big, black ass.
(Big, black ass or not, give it a try. It's funnier sans black ass.)

Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill.
(From a horror movie...which one? Said in rapid, whispered, succession when you're angry and can't do anything about your situation.)

Word.
(Use by itself or "Word to the mother" or "Word to the mother ship" - all serve as urban versions of the dated "Right on, man." Also can be said in place of "Amen" at religious services.)

Whatever.
(A quick way to dismiss someone almost entirely in one fell swoop.)

Shut your piehole!
(Weird but workable.)

Takes one to know one.
(Childish, sure...but it still holds its weight. Also included: "I know you are but what am I?")

My ass and your face.
(In response to “Do you have a match?” I like using the inverse of “My face and your ass” for added weird effect.)

What a square!
(From the 50's. Used with finger demonstration. I'm trying to bring this one back.)

Your mother sucks cocks in hell.
(Another timeless classic, thanks to The Exorcist. And it's so true.)

To the Prince of Darkness!
(Used at formal celebrations when glasses are raised for a toast. Sure to raise an eyebrow or two.)

Your mother does what?
(This needs to be said quickly and almost unintelligibly, after someone has said something you didn’t quite understand.)

Suck it.
(Short and effective.)

There. I said it.
(After declaring your dislike for something insignificant. "I don't like Coldplay. There. I said it.")

Christ Almighty!
(Passed on from the generations, this one.)

For fuck's sake!

Your mother.
(Short and to the point. Anthony wants to bring this one back.)

Screw you!
(Insert full name or "asshole"! We lost "screw" somewhere back in the 70's. Time for resurrection.)

Not today, Sophia Loren, not today.
(Insert "asshole" or name of a famous person of the recipient's cultural heritage. i.e. "Not today Sophia Loren, not today." This was yelled by my friend Kimberly at the Italian team during the World Cup.)

Well, pardon my sarong, Harold!
(This was yelled to me many years ago by a homeless woman in NYC. She stopped walking, turned around to face me and shouted, apropos of nothing, "Well, pardon my sarong, Harold." It may be one of the most random experiences of my life. Use it in an "Well, excuse me!" fashion.)

The 16 Most Overrated Sex Acts of All Time

2009-02-25T14:18:00.000-08:00

Here’s the long-awaited (by whom?) and much anticipated (oh really?) list of the most overrated sex acts of all time. You know, ideas that really seemed good at the time.

Thanks to our fine group of contributors and their astute commentary.

1. Sex on the Beach

“It works in the movie but in real life the beach is sandy, the temperature unpredictable, the mosquitoes, the jellyfish, the police…

“Even the drink sucks.”

2. Sex in Watery Places

(This includes hot tubs, baths and yes, even showers.)

“There’s a constant power play going on. Who gets to stand under the shower head? For how long? Then there’s that awkward changing of positions.”

“Hot tubs, ew. There’s a bacterial, chlorinated element that just shouldn’t be part of any sexual experience. Besides, lubrication is a good thing, not something you want to wash away.”

3. Porn Style Sex

“Porn sex is the Olympics of sex. Lots of head tosses, loud moans, constant flesh pounding. It’s more of an extreme sport than a sexual act. Getting banged hard and repeatedly can have its high points but limits as well.”

“Women lose sensation from too much rough sex. Most guys don’t realize that.”

“There should be a sub-category here for girls who have learned how to give head from watching porn. They try to do that head-corkscrew thing...gimme a break.”

4. One Night Stands

(There was a wide array of views on this. Some found one night stands to be quick, easy, carefree and hot. Others found them to be awkward.)

“Well there’s usually too much booze involved. And weird next morning regret.”

“Is she supposed to stay overnight? I don’t want her to stay overnight. What if she stays overnight?”

“I think it takes a little time to discover someone sexually. It’s kind of a long shot that it will all magically fall into place on the first or only night.”

5. Orgies

“Orgies are a total free-for-all and a little too diplomatic for my tastes. You can’t just say, ‘You get your hands off of me. But you, come here.’”

“There can be hurt feelings, big bellies and overall 70’s pervy weirdness.”

“They kind of gross me out.”

“Who has orgies anymore? Didn’t they fall out of vogue when Rome collapsed?”

6. Sex Involving Food

“Two great tastes that don’t taste great together.”

“Some guy poured hot fudge all over me once. It got all over my new sheets, my blankets…I could’ve killed him. I don’t even like hot fudge, man.”

“Food can be the sexiest thing ever…but before the act itself.”

7. Drug Addled Sex

“Drugs make you feel like the Superman of sex. Unfortunately they can also be the kryptonite. It’s like a sexual mirage in a desert…you want it soooo bad, but…you…just…can’t…get…it.”

“Coke makes you think totally unsexy things are sexy. Next thing you know, you’re asking some chick to hit you in the head with a frying pan to get off…gets real weird.”

8. Sex in Tight Quarters

This would include cars, bathroom stalls and coffins (when you house-sat for your friend whose family owns a funeral parlor.)

“Sex needs a little breathing room.”

“Just make sure the car doesn’t have a stick shift.”

"I had my first gay experience in a closet...how cliche."

9. Sex with a Really Hot Person

“Really hot people are notoriously lazy in bed. Just ask Nicolai in Paris, who had everybody’s head turning. I was so excited he wanted to be with me but when we finally were in bed together, he assumed this corpse-like position, as if to say, (in French accent) ‘You are lucky to have me. Do what you may! I am sleepy. I am pretty.’”

Giving up the need to have sex with a really hot person is how you know you a) are growing up and b) have had enough sex to be able to tell the difference.”

10. Sex involving Clothes Ripping

“Every once in a while, this caveman act works. But most of the time, I think, ‘You ass, you just ripped my good shirt. Ass.’”

11. Sex Involving Video Cameras

“It’s this little thing I like to call THE INTERNET!”

12. Sex on a Waterbed

A little dated at this point, but man, what a design backfire. The whole raison d’etre for a waterbed was hot sex yet it eluded you at every awkward oceanic turn.

13. Tantric Sex

“This is when white people do a lot of hair stroking and face-cupping. And scented candles. No thanks.”

“One guy I was with prided himself on never coming…or circular orgasming or something like that. Cut to 4 in the morning and I said ‘Dude, give it up. There’s a person down here who needs some sleep!’”

14. Sex with a Large Member

Now this one created a stir. Yes, size does count but the female jury states that width counts more, in the long run. A really large penis limits positions (“Ouch, that hurts. Not that way!”) And bladder infections are never sexy.

15. Sex with a Rock Star

“Well, there's the height factor. All rock stars are 5 feet tall, tops. It’s a well-known fact. Prince is only 3 foot 7 inches. There’s also the neurotic ego element that comes into play [see Sex with a Hot Person above.] Rock stars do make great masturbators, because of their extreme self-involvement. I guess its nice to know you can leave the room in the middle of it all; go make yourself a sandwich, watch TV, whatever. Chances are, you won’t be missed.”

16. Sex with the Legal but Young

“I don't really understand old guys with hot young girls (i.e. Hugh Hefner.) It involves a level of denial that I just can't sustain. I always think, "Don't they know how pathetic they look?" It doesn't seem sexy, it just seems sad.”

“I don’t think age matters much. I’ve been with young guys who seem really sexually savvy and much more ‘experienced’ guys who seem clueless. It all comes down to tuning into someone. If you can do that, it doesn’t matter what the age.”

In your Ear, Lenny Kravitz

2008-11-21T16:01:00.000-08:00

I've had a personal vendetta out for Lenny Kravitz for a long time. First off, he sucks. (except for It Ain't Over til It's Over, which is nice ear candy.) His remakes are uninspired and insipid. (Has he done remakes other than American Woman? I don't know. But I bet they suck too.) His fashion choices are a little much AND he just seems like a big, spoiled baby to me. Perhaps he's perfectly nice, I don't know. I'm just being needlessly judgmental because I can be.

Another bitch slap of a remake is the Goo Goo Dolls yawner version of Supertramp's Give a Little Bit but I guess that song is kinda raped over at this point anyway. I mean, what did they do with it? They just covered it, they didn't remake it. And I'm sure they made a fortune from it with little to no musical effort and that makes me mad.

Below are a few remakes I consider better than the original, though there's a bunch out there:

Blinded by the Light
Original: Bruce Springsteen
Better Remake: Manfred Mann

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds
Original: The Beatles
Better Remake: Elton John
(Stop giving me dirty looks. It's true. Elton John's version suits the song better. He also does a better version of Pinball Wizard.)

Groovy Kind of Love
Original: The Mindbenders
Better Remake: Phil Collins
(Sounds like poppy nonsense to some, but I think its very pretty.)

Torn
Original: Off By One
Better Remake: Natalie Imbruglia

America
Original: Simon and Garfunkel
Better Remake: Yes (It's such a big song. This version suits the feeling of the song better, I think - big and epic.)

Say a Little Prayer
Original: Dionne Warwick
Better Remake: Aretha Franklin

Old '55
Original: Tom Waites
Better Remake: The Eagles (one of my fave songs, if you care...but you don't.)

The Air that I Breathe
Original: I don't know...don't feel like looking it up.
Better Remake: The Hollies (big heart on your sleeve song.)

River
Original: Joni Mitchelll
Better Remake: Billy Squier (Okay, I've changed my mind so stop yelling. But Billy Squier's version is pretty, too. He did it just a few years ago. Nice guitar. I'll send it to you.)

Easy:
Original: The Commodores
Better Remake: Faith No More (Just kidding. The Commodores do this song considerably more justice. But I like Faith No More's no-frills version.)

If You Asked Me To:
Original: Patty Labelle
Better Remake: Celine Dion

If I Can't Have You
Better Original: The Bee Gees
Remake: Yvonne Elliman
(This one is confusing. Yvonne Elliman's version is more commonly played but its a Bee Gees tune and their version is better. The Bee Gees Rule.)

Joe's Addition (He just finished his dissertation. He's a doctor now. Fancy!)

Romeo and Juliet

Original: Shakespeare
Better Remake: West Side Story

Bands or Artists that Never Hurt Anybody

2008-10-29T07:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, admittedly, this is a very strange list. Ruby and I made it up over coffee one morning. It consists of bands, performers, etc. who you might not be a big fan of, but you can't hate on them. Maybe they just seem warm and cuddly or just swell.

Or maybe this is just a really misguided, overly caffeinated list.

Oh well.

Crowded House

Seal

Men at Work

Tom Hanks

Tears for Fears

Martha Stewart's Mom

K.C & the Sunshine Band

Gilligan

Lassie

Kenny Loggins

Elizabeth Montgomery (Bewitched)

John Ritter

Bernadette Peters (what?)

The Easter Bunny

Jesus Christ (Son of God)

I LOVE this woman.

Old Men I'd Have Sex With

2008-10-29T06:44:00.001-07:00

This special list was created by three drunk people in my bedroom one Friday night.

Donald Sutherland
John Hurt
Michael Caine
Sean Connery
Bill Clinton
Mick Jagger (I'd pass on him but April and Joe insisted. I do like the photo.)
Strom Thurmond
Cher
Candice Bergen
Rich Uncle Pennybags
Frank Langella
Malcolm McDowell (I know, it's an early photo of him, but its one of the sexiest pix of all time. I live for this photo.)
Ian McShane (makes you think that hard livin' ain't so bad!)
Jimmy Page
Tina Turner

A Sprawling List of the Best in Song Endings and Beginnings

2008-08-22T10:37:00.000-07:00

Okay so this list got a little out of control so beware. There's a lot of great beginnings and endings to songs, some big and bold and others sublimely simple.

Beginnings were a little easier to come by than endings...how bloody symbolic.

The song intros and outros can range from a fleeting but effective two or three seconds to several minutes.

Beth's Picks

Beginnings:

Ventura Highway – America
All For Layna – Billy Joel
I’ll Be Around – The Spinners
Games without Frontiers – Peter Gabriel
King of the World – Steely Dan
My Love – Paul McCartney & Wings
Don’t Take Me Alive – Steely Dan
Trampled Under Foot – Led Zep
Turn it on Again - Genesis
Play the Game – Queen
Long Distance Runaround – Yes
Love is Like Oxygen - Sweet
Don’t Stop till You Get Enough – Michael Jackson
Touch Me – The Doors
On Broadway – George Benson (also played during one of the best opening sequences for a movie in All That Jazz)
Sloop John B – The Beach Boys
Rough Boys – Pete Townshend
Turn the Beat Around – Vicky Sue Robinson (extended version)
Ms. Jackson – Outkast
Vision of Love – Mariah Carey
Summer Breeze – Seals & Crofts
Go Your Own Way – Fleetwood Mac
Suite: Judy Blue Eyes – CSN & Y
Caught Up – Usher
It’s Been Such a Long Time – Boston
I Need a Lover – John Mellencamp
Lonely is the Night – Billy Squier
Crazy Love – Poco
California Dreaming - the Mamas & Papas
Lowdown – Boz Scaggs
One of My Turns – Pink Floyd (first two minutes. Actually PF has about 20 songs that could make this list)
Revolution – The Beatles
She’s the One – Bruce Springsteen
Sarah – Fleetwood Mac
Rise – Herb Albert
Don’t Look Back or It’s Been Such a Long Time – Boston
5th Symphony – Beethoven
Baba O’Reilly – The Who (overplayed, I know, but oh well)
Every Little Kiss – Bruce Hornsby
Something’s Coming – Yes (West Side Story tune)

Endings:

Chicago – Beginnings (the last 4 minutes...horn sections make my knees weak)
Touch Me – The Doors
Bruce Springsteen (real New Jersey Opera)
The Man that Got Away (live at Carnegie Hall, including applause)
Dear Prudence – The Beatles
All is Forgiven – Jellyfish
Nights on Broadway – The Bee Gees (I like the way the sound like banshees)
Get Down Tonight – KC & the Sunshine Band
Happy Together – The Turtles
She’s the One – Bruce Springsteen
Go Your Own Way – Fleetwood Mac
Rough Boys – Pete Townshend
Every Little Thing She Does is Magic – The Police
All out of Love – Air Supply (stop looking at me funny)
Live and Let Die – McCartney and Wings
Teenage Wasteland – The Who
Carol of the Bells – Mormon Tabernacle Choir (also the best version of this song. Trust me – I’ve listened to all of them)
I’m Gonna Crawl – Led Zeppelin
All of My Love – Led Zeppelin (my friend Krissie loved when he sings “I get a little bit lonely…just a little…just a little” at the very end.)
Every Time I Think of You – The Babys
Starship Trooper – Yes (the last 2 minutes of song. Good to listen to while driving on Highway 1 thru Northern California full volume.)

Paul's Picks:

Beginnings:

Hell's Bells - AC/DC
(Can you think of any other song intro that is as cool as this one? Really. Even today, almost thirty years later, this song intro still gives me goosebumps.)

Baba O'Riley - The Who

Voodoo Chile/Slight Return - Hendrix
(For me, this songs - more so than Purple Haze - defines the essence of Hendrix. It combines rock and blues and throws in the Wah Wah intro for extra spice.

Money, Time - Pink Floyd (These two intros were actually assembled and engineered by Alan Parsons. Yes, that Alan Parsons.)

Eruption into You Really Got Me - Van Halen (These two songs - and especially the transition from Eruption into You Really Got Me - have probably accounted for more kids picking up the guitar than any others in the history of rock.)

Endings:

Layla - Derek & The Dominos (The granddaddy of great song endings. Dominoes drummer, Jim Gordon, actually contributing the elegiac piano coda for this close. He later went to hatchet his mother to death.)

Starship Trooper - Yes

I Want You (She's So Heavy) - Beatles (This song held the title for the "world's coldest ending" until Townshend released "Face the Face.")

Drop Dead Legs - Van Halen (One of the all time greatest guitar solo outro fades)

Australia - Kinks (This little known Kinks song is worth a listen. The beginning is a typical very British sounding late sixties Kinks song. Then it morphs into an extended guitar jam that will leave you speechless.)

Anthony's Picks

Beginnings:

Radio Clash - The Clash
Let Me Go - Heaven 17
Hungry Like The Wolf - Duran Duran
Stand and Deliver- Adam and the Ants
More Than This - Roxy Music
Rock n Roll Radio - Ramones
Cars - Gary Numan
Isle of Her - Klaxons
Hollywood Swinging - Kool and the Gang
Lucky Star - Madonna
Work It - Missy Elliott
Flashlight - Parliament Funkadelic
Genetic Engineering - X-Ray Spex

Ruby's Picks

Beginnings:

Immigrant Song - Led Zeppelin
Get Down Tonight- KC & The Sunshine Band
Oh You Pretty Things- David Bowie
What's Goin’ On - Marvin Gaye
Sensual World- Kate Bush
Pajamarama- Roxy Music
Paranoid android- Radiohead
Monkey Man- The Stones

Endings:

Somebody to Love - Queen
Start me Up – Rolling Stones (because he sings "you make a dead man cum”)
All I need - Radiohead
Rock n roll- Velvet Underground
Wonderful world - Louis Armstrong
Midnight sun- Ella Fitzgerald

Joe's Picks

Beginnings:

In a Big Country- Big Country
Secretly- Skunk Anansie
Baracuda- Heart
Baracuda- Rasputina (all cello version!)
The First Cut- Eurythmics
I Know What Boys Like- The Waitresses
A Girl Called Johnny- The Waterboys
Never Say Never- Romeo Void
Rain and Tears- Aphrodite’s Child
Centipede- Rebbie Jackson
Candy Girl- New Edition
Remember (Walking in the Sand)- The Shangri-Las
Spooky- Dusty Springfield
A Girl like You - Edwyn Collins
TV Party- Black Flag
Rock N Roll Nigger (Flood Remix)- Patti Smith
I Only Have Eyes For You- The Flamingos
I’m Going Down- Mary J. Blige
Immigrant Song- Led Zeppelin

Laura's Picks (my friend from writing class)

Beginnings:

Me & Julio - Simon & Garfunkel
Tusk - Fleetwood Mac
Eminence Front - The Who
In the Air Tonite - Phil Collins
Burning Down the House - Talking Heads

People, Places or Things with their F$#k On

2008-06-17T16:56:00.000-07:00

This list is comprised of people or things who radiate a certain “let’s get it on" vibe. We tried to stray away from the obvious: models and Angelina Jolie and work more toward the unusual...with some obvious thrown in for good measure - like kittens.

I'd like to thank the Academy, Joe, April, Ruby, Paul, Peggie, Wine and another Joe…and God.

Rod Stewart
Bob Fosse
Prince
Pink Lemonade
Aerosmith
Van Halen (with DLR, of course)
Fettucini Carbonara
Jesus
Dracula
Rudolph Valentino
Honey
Julius Caesar
Jim Morisson
The Tango
Leather
The Baldwin Family
Nattassja Kinski
Paris
Kim Bassinger
Little Red Riding Hood
Cleopatra
John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever
Joel Gray in Cabaret
Margaret Thatcher (April’s choice…not sure but why not?)
James Brown
Napoleon
Jack Cassidy (70’s star)
Anne Rice
Elliot Stabler from Law and Order SVU (actor Chris Meloni)
Caligula
Bill Clinton
Jason Bateman (Okay, he doesn't have his F%&k on per se, but he's great!)
Lolita
S-E-X
Tequila
Pick-up Trucks
Jimi Hendrix
James Spader
Bonnie and Clyde
Clockwork Orange
April’s Friend Trish
Errol Flynn
Lady Godiva
Whipped Cream
Men in Kilts
Men in Make-up
Monkeys
Anais Nin
Chocolate
The song Father Figure
The orchid
Henry Miller
Knights of the Round Table and Team Camelot
Trent Reznor
Kittens
Jared Leto
Jared Leto having erotic relations with self in The Kill
Barbie
Woodstock from the Peanuts
Eddie Murphy (pre-Disney)
My English Teacher in High School
Bette Davis
Your Mother
Those Weird Unicorn Posters in Children’s Rooms
Billy Bob Thornton
Peter Gabriel
Roseanna Arquette
Mary Magdalene
Jimmy Page
Peaches
Suntan Stuff that Smells Like Coconut

Things I Like that I Shouldn’t But I Do and You Can’t Stop Me Cuz You Ain’t the Boss of Me

2008-04-11T08:40:00.000-07:00

Beth's Picks:

Jersey Boys – The Musical!
(I was literally drug, in more ways than one, to see this show…and it was wonderful!)

Barry Manilow

Patchouli
(Hippie at heart)

Southern Rock
(From Marshall Tucker Band to the Allman Brothers. Never understood why but I do, I do)

Martha Stewart
(One of the few famey people I’d be excited to meet. She knows a lot of shit about crazy things…and she’s so icy cool, its kinda sexy)

Alanis Morrisette
(It’s easy to dislike her, but she’s brave in her own silly, openhearted way)

Fall Out Boy and/or Panic at the Disco
(I know they’re gay in the 7th grade sense of the word. Maybe it’s that bratty, boyish vibrance and innocence. Maybe its that homoerotic makeup. Hot, hot, hot)

482 Songs that Shall Remain Nameless (but most recently Taking Chances by Celine Dion. I've played it about 13 times today. I'm tapping into something big.)

American Spirit Lights (I try to never smoke, I swear – but I love me a good cigarette every once in a while)

Charmed
(Okay, I could say A LOT about Charmed, which is weird in and of itself. And of course, I’m only talking about Shannen Doherty Charmed not Rose McGowan Charmed because that was the only real Charmed. You need the essential, raw bitchiness and witchiness of Shannen for the show to work…period)

Arby's

Strip Clubs

Car Repair

--------

Andy's Additions:

The occasional (wink, wink) trip to Wendy's or KFC or BK or Taco effin' Bell

Cheap coffee (and sometimes, flavored coffee)

Shopping at Old Navy

Ho-hos (or any number of pre-packaged pastries)

Charmed

Magic Shows

All-You-Can-Eat Buffets

--------

Ruby's Additions:

Dating alcoholics

Crown Fried Chicken

Stupid magazines (US, In Touch, etc.)

Beyonce

The little paunch that is my lower stomach

Really violent sexist slasher movies

Lifetime movie events

--------

Joe's Additions:

Charmed (Although I like the post-Doherty “Paige” period better than Beth does. For me Alyssa Milano’s “Phoebe” really came into her own then)

Ironing (it’s very relaxing)

The song “Game of Love” by Santana, featuring Michelle Branch

Mrs. Butterworth's syrup

Airports and train stations (but oddly, not traveling)

Not taking a shower or getting dressed for a whole day

When a lady gets punched in the face on TV

--------

Anthony's Suggestions:

HGTV (God help me but for some reason the old-lady pacing and awful designs have a weird sedative effect on me)

Duran Duran (I will fight anyone who makes fun of me for this, which is basically everyone)

Spray Cheese (right into my mouth; only pussies use crackers)

American Idol (I avoided the first 5 seasons like the plague, now I suddenly care who gets voted off and find myself giving them imaginary career advice)

Old "Classic" Disco (Both US an Euro varieties -- Gino Soccio, anyone? -- this is a Brooklyn thing, I make no apologies and never will)

Lesser Will Ferrell comedies (they suck at first, then they grow on me and I laugh against my better judgment)

KFC (was very frowned upon when I was a kid, and it still gives me that rush of going to buy porn for the first time. In fact, I'm with Mr. Calabrese on the fast food thing. It's disgusting but I still want it all.)

Fantasizing about all the ways my dirtbag neighbors could die violent, funny deaths (and me attending their wakes just to point and laugh and pee on their dead faces. Okay, too far.)

America's Funniest Videos (Will I ever stop laughing at people falling and getting hurt? No.)

Random Songs to Have Sex to (or Songs to have Random Sex to)

2008-04-11T08:23:00.000-07:00

Contrary to the title of this list, there are only a few songs here you that should accompany S-E-X. Most of them are sexually inspirational nature and should compel you to go get some.

1. I Have the Touch – Peter Gabriel
(One of my top favorite sexy songs. But beware - there are two versions. The long one – 5:23 - is far superior to the shorter canned version. Very sexy song)

2. One of these Nights – The Eagles
(For the darker sexual appetites.)

3. Just What I Needed – The Cars
(Lots of feed me’s and bleed me’s - sexy)

4. Kashmir – Led Zeppelin
(The song just sounds like sex. Ruby thinks the song is too cliché)

5. All is Forgiven – Jellyfish
(In addition to being one of my fave songs of all time, this song is so sexually cathartic, you feel like you should have scratch marks down your back when it’s over)

6. Since K got over – The Clientele
(Something sleepy sexy about this song)

7. Do Ya Think I’m Sexy – Rod Stewart
(Go ahead – call me cheesy. But Rod Stewart flaunted it and I say hale to that)

8. I’m Gonna Crawl – Led Zeppelin
(For the crawler in all of us)

9. Turn Me Loose - Loverboy
(I find Mike Reno’s bratty voice very sexy)

10. Come here, Boy – Imogen Heap
(This a sultry, sexually aggressive female song. Yay!)

11. Tattooed Love Boys – The Pretenders
(This is a sultry, sexually aggressive female song. Yay!)

12. Magic Man - Heart
(This is a sultry, sexually aggressive female song. Yay!)

13. Don’t Fear the Ripper – Blue Oyster Cult
(Death and sex go hand and hand like peanut butter and jelly)

14. Don’t Stand So Close to Me – The Police
(If you’ve ever had a crush on your tousled, handsome English teacher in high school, who you would catch staring at you during a test and you’d get warm all over and look away quickly only to look up again and still see him staring at you and who, years later, you’d invite over for lunch and almost, almost make a move on him finally…but no, you couldn’t because you were trembling so badly because he was old enough to be your father but that’s what makes it so…but maybe he’s better off as your first almost actualized sexual fantasy - than you’d appreciate this song. Thank you, my dear Mr. O’Brien, whom I still talk to and adore with all of my heart)

15. 5 to 1 – The Doors
(Maybe it’s the way Jim Morrison opens the songs with “Love my girl. She’s looking good.” Or maybe it’s the rhythm of the song. But the song just seems dirty and raw)

16. Touch Me – The Doors
(If the last minute of this song doesn’t make you want to rip your clothes off, you’re dead.)

17. Rough Boys – Pete Townsend
(I have such a distinct penchant for angry, unattractive Brit rockers and music that slams in my face)

18. Oblivion – Astor Piazolla
(Sex in a song)

19. She Moves in Mysterious Ways – U2
(Never been a fan of U2 – other than Beautiful Day and this song, with the sexy line “If you want to kiss the sky, better learn how to kneel. On your knees, boy.” It showed me that even U2 can rock sexiness sometimes)

20. Closer - NIN (Might be an easy choice but still, it kinda says it all)

21. Reader’s Choice (Hit me with your best shot)

Famous People Devoid of Soul

2008-04-04T06:49:00.000-07:00

Something is just missing.
Some might call it heartless.
Or deeply chilly.
Again, feel free to send me some add ons:

1. Nicole Kidman (the epitome...I'm not saying she's mean or she wouldn't be nice to have tea with. I'm just saying "hello, hello, hello..is there anybody in there?")

2. Jennifer Connoly (she may be made of dust...I don't know).

3. Tom Cruise (He can smile all he wants but he's actually an alien or a droid or something.)

4. Queen of England (But she's actually supposed to be like that. She makes soulless an art form.)

RECENT SUBMISSIONS:

5. Catherine Zeta-Jones (If you cut her, something like mercury would spill out.)

6. Halle Barry (you can be too pretty)

People or Things I’m Supposed To Like But I Don’t and I Kinda Feel Badly About It But Not Really List (with help from my friends):

2007-12-06T13:12:00.001-08:00

Beth’ List:

Stevie Wonder
Billie Holiday
Meryl Streep
New York City
Techno
Bob Dylan
People
Johnny Cash
Seinfeld
David Letterman (his humor is so dry, it’s dust-like)
Robin Williams and Mike Myers (their talent makes me uptight)
Cinnamon (Too perfumey)
Johnny Depp
Sex and the City
Oprah
Jeeps
The movie "Lost in Translation"
The 80's

Ruby’s Additions:

Warren Zevon
Basketball
The color "nude"
Most people from California
"The method" technique
The Sopranos
Myself (at times)
Kittens

Anthony’s Additions:

the "film" The Piano
John Belushi
Wes Anderson

Andrew’s Additions:

(As a gay man, I have a unique list, I think):

Ballroom Dancing
Barbra Streisand
Figure Skating
Cats (“the actual beasts, no one likes the show”)
Pie
The Beach
Baseball Caps

My Deceased Mother's Additions:

Tyne Daley ("I don't know why - I just don't like her.")
Michael Learned (mother from The Waltons - same reason as above)

Joe’s Additions:

Gandhi (the movie, not the man)
Angela Bassett
The “Sense Memory” exercise
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Baseball
The Grateful Dead
Disney
Lance Armstrong
Kate Hudson
Cheers
Sarah Jessica Parker
“spoken word poetry”
Everybody Loves Raymond

April’s Additions:

The Doors
Mittens (“doesn’t see the point”)
Oatmeal
Oprah
Little dogs wearing clothes

The Hottest Legs in Rock and Roll (for the Ladies)

2007-12-06T13:11:00.000-08:00

Its that time again, boys and girls, when I bestow upon you another one of my meaningless lists. I'm hoping this little "skill" of mine will parlay itself into heaps of money one day, but until then...

I present "The Hottest Legs in Rock and Roll." So what defines "hot legs in rock and roll?" you ask? Hot legs are long, lanky and look good in tight pants. And rock and roll legs move well - they strut and jump and wrap nicely around your naked body. I mean, not all guys look good in tight pants, you know? Truth be told, I think Jim Morrisson is the only person, living or dead, male or female, who successfully ROCKED leather pants. Makes a girl blush, just thinking of it.

The Hottest Legs in Rock and Roll (in no particular order)

Jim Morrison
Rod Stewart
Daryl Hall
Steven Tyler
Robert Plant
Ray Davies
David Bowie
David Lee Roth
Tina Turner
Pete Townsend

Songs You're Not Supposed to Like But You Do so Screw You List

2007-12-06T13:09:00.000-08:00

I have a particular taste in music. I like all kinds but I definitely lean a little toward some songs that could easily be dismissed as empty little pop tunes. And I lean toward these little gems because I genuinely like them - not for the sake of pop irony or anything…I’m not that clever! There’s so much self-seriousness in today’s music - I blame Pearl Jam for this.

So here it goes a list of (insert drum roll here)

MY SHAME-FREE SONGS
(in no particular order)

* Groovy Kind of Love – Phil Collins
(a simple remake of a simple little tune )

* Skyhigh – Jigsaw
(So dramatic!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOu7JlQqiaA (crazy video of song)

* Wait for Me (Live) – Hall & Oates
(Daryll Hall’s voice is divine)

* Magic - Pilot
(Of course, this song went horribly commercial. Damn sellouts – the lot of you! Anyway, this song is just so happy, I could scream, like, forever…)

* Voices
* If You Want My Love
– Cheap Trick
(A couple lesser-known Cheap Trick songs. Give them a listen and I’m sure you’ll concur)

* Any Tears for Fears songs
(soaring, heartfelt songs, good vocals. This is my FOUR LEAF CLOVAHHH!)

* Baby Jane
* Passion
- Rod the Mod Stewart (aka “Hot Legs”)
(I’ve always liked the part of Rod’s career that he’s the most embarrassed about)

* Love is Like Oxygen – Sweet
(This song is so epic. Again, high drama)

* Sailing – Chris Cross
(There. I said it…and on national television. Such a gentle, pretty song. If you ever get to hear why he wrote it, you might like it that much more!)

* Andy Gibb – Everlasting Love (one of the most heavenly choruses– he and his Gibb-lovin’ brothers all singing pretty-like)

* Make a Move on Me
* A Little More Love
* Suddenly
– Olivia Newton John
(I’m starting to feel naked right about now. Please stop looking at me…but she’s got such a great voice!)

* Could it be Magic – Barry Manilow
(Okay, really…stop with the blank stare. This song is really amazing in its own right – big love, big love!)

* Strange Way – Firefall
(kinda weird but cool song – with some crazy flute solo in the middle)

* Strange Magic - ELO
(ELO kinda doesn’t really belong on this list for some reason but the haunting intro of this song just stops my heart a little)

* The Party’s Over – Journey
(Journey actually didn’t suck…Steve Perry has one of the best voices in R&R and Neal Schon was no slacker)

* It’s Over
* Turn Me Loose
* The Kid is Hot Tonite
– Loverboy
(Great but somewhat maligned band. Mike Reno’s bratty, teasing voice is a bit of a turn-on for me…hmmm…perhaps an overshare)

* I Think I Love You – La Partridge Famille
(Actually another kind of creepy song that will stick to you like bubblegum. I snuck into a show in Las Vegas with David Cassidy performing a few years ago. He’s awesome…kinda.)

* You Should Be Dancing - The Bee Gees
(a really kick-ass song actually – Barry Gibb screeching in that crazy falsetto of his at the end of the song…and I think there’s a cowbell in there, for good measure)

* Baby Come Back - Player
(I think Korn was influenced by Player…maybe not)

* Lights
* Lady
– Styx
(I’m pushing the corny envelope a little, I know. But…oh well! I always liked Tommy Shaw’s voice… and Dennis DeYoung’s as well)

* Nights on Broadway - The Bee Gees
(A lovely song about stalking…nice. But the point being, the Bee Gees are awesome and they rock out more than you think they do)

* Crazy Love
Heart of the Night
– Poco

* Like China
* Just a Job To Do
* Taking it All Too Hard
* You Might Recall
- Phil Collins + Genesis
(A few more bright tunes by Mr. Collins et al. That guy has to be crazy, crazy rich…of course, he should be water tortured for songs like Susedio)

* Keep it Coming Love &
* Get Down Tonite
- KC & the Sunshine Band
(who could hate on KC & his Sunshine band?)

* Isn’t it Time - The Babies
(I’m not a big fan of that silly single from solo Mr. Waite …but I do like several songs from The Babies.)

* I’m In You – Peter Frampton (title’s a little…much, but…)

* Love is the Answer - Todd Rundgren (again, Todd doesn't really belong on this list. Such pretty verses at the beginning...."We're all homeless boys and girls. And we are never heard." Tell me about it, Todd.)

* I Can Read Your Mind - Alan Parsons Project
(Another creepy but pretty tune. Who the hell was in that band, anyway? I think they were computer generated)

If you ‘d like to quietly wave a flag for some closeted tunes of your own, please send them my way.

Famous People Who Would be Jerks to Meet

2007-12-06T12:00:00.000-08:00

Ruby and I had another one of our scintillating conversations on the phone today. We discussed which famous people would be jerks if you were to meet them in real life. Now, of course, LOTS of famous people would probably be jerky to one degree or another. But we're talking extra jerky. Grouches, if you will. A friend of ours mentioned Russel Crowe or Sean Penn and I said "No. They're just...bad-tempered. We're talking about serious grouches."

Here's our list thus far. Please feel free to send me a comment and I'll keep the list going.

1. John Cusack (he's number one - the perfect example. The type who could make you feel like your 2 inches tall with a single eviscerating comment).

2. John Cougar Mellancamp (the kind of guy who would be laughing one second and then haul off and punch you for no
apparent reason and be totally unapologetic).

3. Bryan Adams (now I've actually SEEN this guy's wicked ways. He was performing and someone threw a frisbee at his head and he INSTANTLY jumped off the stage and started throwing punches at the poor dude. Nasteeee...)

4. David Walliams from Little Britain (Whoa...have you seen any interviews with him...Cold. And viscious. But I LUV him).

5. Chevy Chase (grouch...a big ol' grouch)

6. Shelly Long (I think we all know that, right?)

7. Napoleon

8. Mike Patton from Faith No More (kick-ass picture above)

8. Jerry Lewis

HERE'S SOME ADDITIONS THANKS TO SEVERAL SUBMISSIONS:

8. David Schwimmer (a "Friend" or foe? I'd have to agree. The guy seems a little touchy.)

9. Clay Aiken (this one made me laugh the most. My friend Joe thinks his wholesome looks belie a heart of stone.)