Saturday, May 9, 2009

13 People Who Ruined it for Everyone Else

1. Pearl Jam

Eddie Vedder and Pearl Jam started a movement of self-serious, white guy rock that has been dismal and morose and needlessly melodramatic. Because of Pearl Jam, we’ve been forced to listen to the likes of Creed, Puddle of Mudd, Staind, Three Doors Down and a slew of other slacken-face maudlinites.

2. John Wayne

John Wayne’s tough guy, all-American machismo set a "stoicism at all costs" tone for generations. Our fathers and grandfathers emulated him, starting a chain of emotionally constipated men who pride themselves in their ability to restrain, like good little cowboys.

3. Later Elton John

Later Elton John ruined it for ruined it for earlier Elton John. Later Robert Deniro ruined it for earlier Robert DeNiro and Later Al "Sir Screamsalot" Pacino ruined it for earlier Al Pacino.

4. People who say Fuck Too Much

Fuck is a fine, fine word. But it needs to be used judiciously, sparingly, not all willy-nilly. If it litters every sentence that comes out of your mouth, you sound trashy and course. (You do, I'm sorry.)

5. Britney Spears and Christina Aguilara
Britney Spears and Christina Aguilara ruined it for sexiness worldwide. They taught a generation of women that being over-the-top tawdry was the only way to go. Their sell-out stripper sexiness became increasingly amplified to a cartoonish, grotesque proportion, which basically negates its appeal. Madonna had way more going on.

6. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

Speaking of cartoonish sexiness, when you’re bombarded by images of these two, it’s like eating too many cream-filled donuts. Okay so they’re preternaturally gorgeous. I find it kind of disturbing, frankly. They may be aliens.


7. Mickey Mouse

Evil corporate mouse ruined it for the rest of his cool cartoon counterparts (Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, The Peanuts gang, Pink Panther.)


8. The song “Stand by your Man”

While not a person, a person sang it and generations of women believed that undying loyalty in the face of blatant betrayal and massively unmet needs showcases their doormat-like stick-to-itiveness.


9. Oprah Winfrey

Her sanctimonious manner and mammoth-sized ego ruined it for the likes of talk show hosts everywhere. Oh for the simplicity and intelligence of Phil Donahue/ She also ruined it for a lot of simple housewives who used to have minds of their own. And maybe somehow indirectly spawned the likes of Tyra Banks, who makes me want to light my hair on fire.

10. Sarah McLachlin, et. al.

Ruined it for chick rock in a big way. After her, we had to listen to years of wimpy, weepy, and neutered chick bands with no backbone and no balls. I'm not saying they're all bad per se...they just perpetuated a certain "too softness." Listen to Tori Amos (who is no Kate Bush) then listen to Heart (videos below - and yes, I know Heart hit their sucky phase later on.)

11. Geico Lizard, Spuds McKenzie, et. al.

These corporate creatures ruin it for animals worldwide. As do all the people who say, “Our dog thinks he’s human.” “Our dog is like our baby.” No, your dog is an ANIMAL. Don't make them human. Don’t dress them up, don’t make them sell car insurance or hawk cheap beer. Let them be animals and stop your needy projecting.

In short, it’s not cute when animals talk – it’s weird and unnatural. (Except for Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. That’s different...somehow. And Snoopy. Wait. Snoopy didn’t talk. Neither did the Pink Panther. See?)

12. Radio Morning Shows

Radio morning shows have ruined radio. (So has Clear Channel but that’s a whole other entry.) All radio morning shows suck, across the board. All of them except for Howard Stern in his heyday (think what you want about the man but he was ground breaker.) Morning shows have contributed to the destruction of the radio, which is a tragic thing. The spirit of the radio has been dying for a long, long time.

13. The Sopranos

The Sopranos have ruined it for New Jersey. Now a bunch of wannabes go around, smoking their cigars in their big, fat cars, thinking their sexist, indulgent and tasteless lifestyle is actually cool…and it’s not.