Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The 20 or 30 Most Annoying Phrases of All Time

Shut up. Just shut up.

Smile.  [Said only to women. Not your wind-up doll, dude.]

Chill Out.                                                  
[So = dismissive it almost justifies a bite to the face.]

[Frat boys invented this and it needs to die a fiery death.]

It’s all good, man.                                            
[No, silly, it’s not. It's clearly not.]

Everything happens for a reason.        
[Shew…and here I thought it was unabashed chaos.]

Don’t go there.                               
[Just did. So there.]

Let's touch base.                                              
[I often say this but cut myself when I do.]

Could you not [fill in the blank]?
[Generally said by haughty, passive-aggressive women. “Can you not put your coat on top of mine?”]

No offense but…
[An offense will follow, no doubt.]

That’s classy!
[People who aren’t tend to say it the most.]

You rock!
[Rock is everything. But saying the word somehow makes it seem nerdy and decidedly unrock-like.]

Sorry but _____.
[Sorry should never go with a but. But erases sorry everytime.]

I’m not going to lie to you...

Um, can we talk?
[Well, hello lecture.]

Wait till your father gets home.
[Yes even the thought of this phrase from childhood can still fill me with frozen anticipation. Don’t put your children through this torture.]

It is what it is.

[Wow that’s profoundly…nothing.]

Just kidding.
[This “easy out” phrase that allows the speaker to say whatever he or she wants then blame you for your lack of humor.]

So what do you do for a living?
[It seems innocuous enough but forces you to come up with a short answer that will be instantly judged or followed up by a series of boring questions.]

You know what you should do?

[Oh, pray tell, authority figure on Life.]

To be honest....
[Usually followed by a lie or something that will make you feel like shit.]

Annoying Phrases that Still Kinda Work

[Said in raspy voice while inhaling high-end weed or drinking tequila.]

You’re not the boss of me.
[Say it to anyone. Especially the boss of you.]

Bitch, please!
[Like a string of pearls, it goes with anything.]

Color me there!
[Coined by gay men in the 1940's, I like to believe.]

Don’t tell me what to do.
[Perfect response to “Have a nice day.”]

Oh no you didn’t!
[Said with just the right amount of black woman sass, of course.]

That's what she/he said.
[Use liberally. You’ll be surprised how many times it works. Mechanic: You’ll need your front end replaced. You: That’s what he said. See? Easy.]

[An icy cold way to dismiss someone almost entirely. Use sparingly.]

Shut your piehole!
[Weird but kinda works. And strangely perverted.]

You're a rebel. They try to stop you but they cannot.
[Said to anyone about to do anything boring. "Hey, I'm going to the carwash." "You're a rebel. They try to stop you but they cannot."]

To the Prince of Darkness!
[Used at formal celebrations like weddings when glasses are raised for a toast.]

Your mother does what?
[Needs to be said quickly and almost unintelligibly after someone has said something you didn’t quite understand.]

Suck it.
[Short and effective.]